“At this rate, there’s a good chance that it’ll be hard for you to have kids in the future,” he said. “Should you want biological children, it’s not going to be easy for you to have them naturally.”

As an 18 year-old and freshman in college, I was more concerned about maintaining my status on the varsity cross-country team than I was about starting a family. Kids were nowhere on my radar.

But still, his point-blank statements left me uncomfortable.

I shifted in my seat, the exam table paper crinkling beneath me, and he cleared his throat.

“Are you getting enough to eat at school?”, he asked, his tone of voice changing from physician to parent.

I kept my eyes to the ground and nodded sheepishly. “Don’t make eye contact”, I thought to myself. “Then maybe, he won’t know I’m lying.”

What I didn’t tell the doctor was how the transition to college had only made me relapse further and deeper into my eating disorder.

Now on my own and without anyone peering over my shoulders, it was easy to cut corners on meals and avoid eating altogether. The pressure of collegiate athletics and a pre-med program were too much for me, and I was crumbling from the inside.

When I lost my period, I was relieved.

When I almost blacked out after practice, I was worried.

This was all too familiar. I had traveled down this road just a year prior during my senior year of high school.

Even though I had been physically restored from the drastic weight loss, I fought an internal battle that no one understood.

It had been so long, that I couldn’t remember a time where food didn’t feel chaotic in some sense or the other. The restricting, the binging, the purging - it had all become my new normal.

Food wasn’t something to enjoy but to earn, to manipulate.

My body wasn’t a vessel to value, but an enemy to punish.

I became so disconnected from myself, that I hardly knew who I was anymore, outside of my eating disorder and my chaotic relationship with food.

For so long I lived in that headspace, that it’s hard to imagine how I could have the mental energy to accomplish anything else.

On the surface I seemed to have it all together, but inside I was a wild windstorm blowing aimlessly with no real direction.

There are so many things I don’t remember from the time I spent with my eating disorder from ages 17 to 23; there’s also so much I wish i could forget.

Like the credit cards I wracked up to buy foods I’d eat for my binges and the inside of the bathroom stalls I’d revisit for my purges, time and time again.

Or the time I made myself go for a 10 mile run at 11 o’clock at night so I could “burn off” the food I binged on earlier in the day.

Or the time I cried in front of family and friends at a restaurant when I realized that my off-the-menu egg white omelet I ate was cooked in butter.

There are so many more disturbing and terrifying details that are hard for me to go back to, but it was a very real part of who I was then and a reflection of how my eating disorder had consumed every part of me.

This was the mental illness that had taken almost 7 years of my life that I’ll never get back.

Sometimes, it’s hard to not look back on that time and ask, why? Why couldn’t I just decide to stop? Well, that is the scary thing about mental illness, like eating disorders.

These diseases are not just something you decide to turn off and on, like a light switch. I didn’t choose to have an eating disorder any more than someone would “choose” to have cancer.

The point is that nobody sets out to have an eating disorder or wanted it in the first place. Eating disorders are like a tortuous descent into hell, and once you’ve gotten so far down, you don’t know your way out.

That’s where I was.

Like a catch 22, my eating disorder became a maladaptive way for me to cope through life’s stressors but it was also killing me in the process. I became so dependent on it, that I literally could not imagine living without it.

Even though innately, I understood that something was seriously wrong, I didn’t understand how to function without the crutch that it had become. I didn’t know it was possible to live without it.

That was, until I tried to imagine a future in the context of my eating disorder.

The Hope of Eating Disorder Recovery

When the love of my life asked me to marry him out of college, I was forced to imagine what our future would look like with my eating disorder.

How could we share meals together when there was a mile long list of foods I wouldn’t eat?

How could we travel anywhere together when I was rigidly stuck to my “exercise” regiment?

How could I have the mental energy to give him the love and attention he deserved when it was all consumed by my eating disorder?

How would we start a family together when I wasn’t even having a period because my body was so malnourished?

How could I raise healthy, thriving children without passing on my own food and body image issues?

How could I feed my own kids when I couldn’t even feed myself?

These were the things I started to think about, and slowly I became aware of the fact that my eating disorder didn’t have to dictate my future any longer.

I knew recovery wasn’t going to be easy, but I wasn’t going to let my life slip through my fingers into the grip of my eating disorder any more.

Eating disorders are not a choice. Mental illness is not a choice. But recovery is a decision I had, and I decided that I wanted freedom from the hell I was living in.

By the grace of God, the love and support of my husband, family and friends, and incredible professionals who have helped me through my journey, I’ve found freedom.

It’s been well over a decade since I last binged and purged, starved myself, or abused my body with overexercising. My body has proved resilient and strong, even in the face of the most brutal behaviors that tried to take it down.

This body that was once hated, broken, and starved to take up as little space as possible, has been restored and brought us 5 beautiful babies.

The darkness that was my eating disorder has been dissipated by the light of hope and recovery.

I learned to enjoy food again and eat for pleasure and satisfaction. I found peace with my body and the home that it has been for me, through thick and thin. Most importantly, I learned how to trust myself, how to trust, listen to and honor my own body. It hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it.

While I would fight different mental health battles, such as my journey with postpartum depression (which I’ll be sharing more about), the war with food and my body is over.

That has brought a newfound freedom that I couldn’t even imagine at one point in my life, and for that, I am forever grateful.

I believe that the gift of recovery is something that needs to be protected and cherished at all costs, for through this, have I been able to truly live.

It’s also become my life’s mission to come alongside other mothers who are struggling with eating disorders, to help them find the healing and freedom that they also deserve.

Motherhood, in particular, can be a minefield of triggers that sets off a tumultuous relationship with food and body, and the isolating nature of mental illness leaves far too many women suffering in silence.

I understand that when mothers are thriving, their families flourish, and the perpetual nature of eating disorders and diet culture won’t get passed down to another generation.

Eating Disorder Recovery Help

Many people have asked me how to recover from an eating disorder and about the anorexia recovery process.

Healing from eating disorders is a journey that looks different from everyone, and no matter how far gone you may think you are, there is always hope for healing and recovery.

I will never stop sharing this hope for freedom, as this was something I wish I heard more of when I was struggling.

Maybe it isn’t necessarily about the HOW but the fact that it’s possible for you, right now, no matter where this finds you today.

Eating disorders impact over 30 million people in the United States alone, with an even greater number of individuals who struggle with negative body image and poor relationships with food.

As an eating disorder survivor, these are the things I have learned and hope to share with you.

Eating disorders are often wrongly stigmatized by the mainstream media as diseases of “vanity”, as if a person willingly “chooses” it in order to fit a certain jean size.

The reality tells a far different story.

Eating disorders, like anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder, are life-threatening mental illnesses with strong biological underpinnings.

Anorexia has proven to be the most fatal of all psychiatric illnesses, claiming too many lives from the critical consequences of a vicious self-starvation cycle.

The mortality rate associated with anorexia alone is twelve times higher than the death rate of all other causes of death.

Unfortunately, many individuals who suffer with eating disorders are unable to connect to the help they need for recovery and healing. Eating disorders are among the most fatal mental illnesses, second only to opioid addiction.

As a survivor of an eating disorder that took so much from me, I can attest firsthand to the grievous, unforgiving nature of this disease, as well as the hope that is found on the other side of recovery.

Throughout my recovery, I have learned invaluable lessons about myself, ultimately being able to renegotiate a relationship with food and body that was once characterized by chaos, disdain and commotion.

Now, as a mother of 5 amazing children, I want to pass on these lessons I’ve learned through my recovery journey in hopes to positively cultivate their young hearts and minds.

If you are a mama who is also healing from an eating disorder, I’d love to share these things with you too in hopes that this might encourage you on your own journey:

You Deserve to Be Nourished

Our society has sadly distorted what it means to feed and nourish your body, and many individuals find themselves in endless dieting cycles.

There is a misbelief that food must somehow be earned, either through punishing exercises or prolonged deprivation.

For some, this may be the trigger that perpetuates an eating disorder.

Indeed, the best-known environmental contributor to the development of eating disorders is the sociocultural idealization of thinness.

Many will strive for this by depriving their bodies of the sustenance and nourishment they deserve.

Food is something our bodies inherently need, and feeding ourselves is as necessary as breathing.

Trying to “control” hunger, following rigid rules, or maintaining any diet only leads to chaos, frustration, and feelings of hopelessness.

Embracing how food nourishes our bodies to help us thrive is fundamental to finding peace with food and our bodies.

Building a healthy lifestyle is not created alone by the types of foods we eat. Rather, it is built upon the foundation of a harmonious relationship with food.

Remember that your appetite is not a problem. Your hunger is on-purpose. It is life-giving. It keeps you alive.

Don’t let diet culture make you believe otherwise. Honor your hunger and yourself by doing so.

By doing this, you are also showing your children that they deserve to honor their hunger and their bodies.

They’re already hearing the message that they need to eat less and stay small, and they take this as a message about their whole selves.

Let’s teach them otherwise with the powerful example of honoring our own hunger - whatever that looks like for each of us.

As you learn to trust the signals that your body is telling you, you will also in turn be able to build a trusting feeding relationship with your children, which is a necessary component for them to build confidence with food and their bodies.

Treat Your Body With Kindness

Poor body image is something that many people face, with or without an eating disorder.

For years while in my disorder, I adamantly battled with my body, feeling hatred toward the vessel that has carried me this far in life.

Thankfully, my healing journey has allowed me to reshape my own relationship with my body, embrace my imperfections, and live in gratitude for what my body has miraculously endured.

More than anything, I learned that my body deserves appreciation, along with intuitive eating and gentle movement.

I’ve come to understand that loving your body is similar to being in a relationship. There are days where you may not necessarily “feel” like loving your body, but actions do not need to be based on feelings.

Feelings will constantly ebb and flow in our lives, but there is an unchanging need for our bodies to receive respect, care, and nourishment.

Learning to love and respect your body, in spite of what you may be feeling, is a daily choice and commitment.

It’s a commitment to the process that doesn’t waver on feelings and emotions: many people have asked me how I recovered from an eating disorder, and I can’t necessarily pinpoint it on one specific thing.

Recovery is not an arrival at a destination.

It’s a journey, a continual commitment to the process and the everyday things that have helped me maintain recovery, like eating consistently, staying connected to support, building and strengthening effective coping mechanisms, and choosing to treat my body kindly.

These decisions to proactive care for my body and treat it in a kind way, even when those feelings of acceptance weren’t’ there, helped me separate from the destructive nature of my eating disorder and led me to complete freedom.

Freedom is Possible For You

If you too are struggling with an eating disorder, disordered eating, or the snares of diet culture, I want you to know that you’re not alone.

I can’t pretend to know what your journey and struggles have been or what your path to recovery may look like.

But I understand what it’s like to feel like there’s no way out - like you are a life-long prisoner in the jail cell of your eating disorder.

I also understand that HOPE for freedom from your eating disorder is real, and it’s available for you.

You don’t have to wait until you look or feel a certain way in order to choose recovery.

I’m here to tell you that you are already deserving of recovery, and no situation is too bleak to exempt you from the help you need.

Eating disorders are isolating diseases by nature, and countless individuals struggle in shame and silence.

Sadly, shame only grows in silence, keeping those that suffer stuck. Reaching out for help and to loved ones is vital for hope and healing.

Whatever your own personal eating disorder struggle may be, there is no need to internalize the pain you are feeling.

Don’t allow yourself to suffer in silence or assume you are beyond help.

Confide in someone you trust is a first important step towards healing.

Your life is invaluable and irreplaceable, and asking for help is reflective of courage and strength to carry on.

If you or someone you care for is struggling with an eating disorder, please consider reaching out for professional help and treatment.

Many resources are available that can connect you to the help you need to begin your recovery journey, such as the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA).

Consider contacting the NEDA hotline for support, resources, and treatment options for yourself or a loved one.

If you are a mother who is recovering from an eating disorder, I’d also like to invite you to join Lift the Shame, a free, confidential, online support group.

While this eating disorder support group does not replace treatment, it can be a safe, nurturing place for you to find community through your motherhood journey.

Through my experience with a chaotic and destructive relationship with food and body, as well as my healing process, I realized that I was not alone in this journey.

Becoming a mother further intensified my hope and desire to raise healthy children and to help them cultivate a deeply nurturing relationship with food and their bodies.

I knew this had to stem from my own commitment for caring for myself, in body, mind, and spirit, and nurturing myself in a way so that I could give back to my loved ones in a meaningful way.

Help and resources are available. Your eating disorder is not a life-long sentence.

Your eating disorder may have been part of your story, but you get to decide how your story ends.

Embrace and Celebrate Your Uniqueness

When I look at each of my children, I appreciate the qualities that are unique to them.

At their young, innocent ages, they feel a sense of invincibility towards life – like there is nothing they cannot do, explore, or conquer.

We all start out in life this way, only to fall prey to a society that molds us to believe we must meet unrealistic qualifications of standardization and acceptability.

With resounding hope, I pray my children will always find the courage to embrace their own uniqueness in a world that fervently challenges our differences.

I have found that the essence of loving yourself begins with accepting the unique fabric of your life. From the wellspring of acceptance and love, can you truly love others.

I feel incredibly grateful to have had the opportunity to find healing from a disease that took so much from me: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

What I have learned in my journey is that, above all, there is always hope; hope for recovery, rebuilding, and healing.

In every trial and tribulation, the obstacles and challenges we face are stepping stones toward a more beautiful version of ourselves.

One that is fortified to live a life well loved.