Is Your Child Sneaking Sweets or Secretly Eating? Here’s What Can Help
Have you ever caught your child sneaking sweets? Or hiding food and eating in secret? Maybe you found your child sneaking food from the pantry or fridge and hoarding it in her room or hiding somewhere to eat it?
Maybe you found wrappers hidden in their room, or have noticed food missing from your pantry.
Maybe you’ve caught your child secretly eating or trying to hide the fact that she’s eating away from you and other family members.
Whatever the scenario may be, finding your child hoarding sweets or secretly eating can be uncomfortable and disturbing. You might feel shocked and confused to see your child engaging in these types of behaviors around food and unsure how to best approach this delicate situation.
As a former child food sneaker myself, I can vouch for the fact that this type of situation is uncomfortable for both the parents and child alike.
On the surface level, hoarding sweets or eating in secret feels completely abnormal, like a violation of what’s right. Naturally, this can bring up a tremendous amount of discomfort for all parties involved.
The tendency may be to try to correct the behavior itself. If your child is hoarding sweets, you might feel like they can’t be trusted around these foods. So you may stop buying sweets your family enjoys eating or are careful to hide any stashes of sweets away in places your child might not be able to find. You may even begin to lock the cabinets or fridge to keep your child from sneaking food.
Keeping sweets out of sight, out of mind may seem like the solution to keeping your child from hoarding these foods or from eating them in secret.
However, trying to correct the behavior itself won’t solve the problem.
It’s like addressing the symptom and not the problem. Hiding sweets from your child or not allowing them access to these foods will likely make the problem worse.
Understanding this, I can assure you that there are likely some specific reasons influencing your child’s tendency to hoard sweets or eat in secret. The good news is that these are things that can be adjusted in order to help your child develop a positive and healthy relationship with food.
But first, let’s take a look at some of the reasons why your child might be hoarding sweets and eating in secret.
Reasons Why Your Child May be Hoarding Sweets
At the time of writing this, we’re experiencing a global pandemic, which has brought many food concerns to the surface.
When our country first went into a national lockdown, it was chaos at the stores. Many people began hoarding food and supplies for fear of not being able to leave their houses to access what they needed.
Soon many stores began imposing limits on high demand items that were quickly flying off the shelves in order to better regulate supply.
If you’ve walked into a store to find empty shelves or the items you needed for your family unavailable, how did this make you feel?
Not only does this create a sense of panic, it also triggers urgency around finding that particular item AND getting it in quantities that would ensure you wouldn’t run out of it again in the near future.
Not having access to something you want and need makes it more desirable. It creates a sense of fear that you won’t have access to it, so you’ll naturally want more of it to prevent you from feeling this sense of fear and unknownness around it.
There was one point where we ran out of eggs, and I literally could not find ANY. Every grocery store in our city was completely out of them, and I started to panic. Logically, I knew there was a gap between suppliers and grocery stores and that eggs would be available soon, but not having access to eggs when I wanted them was agitating.
When I finally found eggs at our local Costco, I made sure we stocked up. Okay, it was borderline hoarding - I guess 4 dozen eggs may be slightly excessive, but I didn’t want to be in a position where we ran out and couldn’t find them again.
Looking at this situation, it’s clear to see the impact of feelings of scarcity around food. Even though food is available, feeling like you don’t have access to something specific can put your mind into hyperdrive. We’re instantly drawn into a self-preservation state to ensure our basic needs are met. Because food and eating is a basic need, we’re driven to meeting this need at all costs.
What does this have to do with your child sneaking sweets or eating in secret?
Let me explain it to you:
Just like many people were drawn to hoarding food and supplies that felt scarce and out of reach, kids operate in the same way.
Lack of access to food or specific food items, like desserts, can trigger a feeling of deprivation and scarcity around those foods. Your child may be adapting to this situation by trying to get her hands on any of the foods she feels are out of her reach. Scarcity triggers stockpiling; a sense of deprivation ensues.
When certain foods don’t feel accessible, it also creates an intense desire to find those foods at all costs. We’re naturally drawn toward the things we’re told we can’t have, and kids operate the same way.
Here are some more specific reasons why your child may be hoarding and/or sneaking sweets and eating them in secret:
Your child may not have regular access to sweets and desserts
Dessert type foods are rarely kept in the house
Your child may repeatedly be asking for sweets and desserts but constantly denied
Your child may see other individuals eating sweets but isn’t allowed to do the same
There are strict rules and rigidity around eating sweets in the family
Sweets are often discussed in a “good” vs. “bad” view (for example, your child may have been told that eating sweets or sugar is bad for her)
Your child may feeling emotionally distraught when sweets are not available or offered
Your child has been bullied or shamed for body size or for the types of foods she’s eating, especially sweets and desserts
While there are a combination of factors associated with a child hoarding/sneaking sweets or eating sweets in secret, these are among the most common.
The good news is that by addressing some of these concerns at the root of the problem, you can help reverse some of the food behaviors you may be experiencing with your child.
You might be wondering - what are things you can do to help your child, especially in the moment where you may have caught them red-handed?
Here are some ideas to help you support you and your child through these situations, which are often a sensitive and emotionally vulnerable time for all parties involved.
How to Approaching Your Child Who is Hoarding Sweets
If you catch your child eating in secret or have discovered that she’s hoarding food, you might have many instinctual ways to react. Remember our common desire is to want to correct behaviors that seem out of alignment with our values. So if your child is engaging in a less than desirable behavior, you may naturally want to “fix” it.
It’s important to remember that there is always much more than may meet the eye here.
On the surface, it may seem like your child is acting out or deliberately trying to push your buttons, but I can assure you there’s more happening here. For one, your child loves you, and hoarding sweets or eating these foods in secret is not intended behavior to hurt or disrespect you (though I know it can certainly feel that way!).
Feelings of deprivation around food is a powerful motivator that drives behaviors. If your child is feeling deprived of sweets or worried about how you might react to her eating these types of foods, she may feel driven to eat these foods in secret or stockpile these foods to feel safer about eating them.
Food hoarding and eating in secret are survival mechanisms, not bad behavior.
As you walk through ways you can best support you child, try to keep these points in mind:
Acknowledge:
To begin, it’s important to acknowledge how and what you feel, as well as how your child might feel.
If you’ve caught your child hoarding food or eating in secret, it may be hard to not let your emotions take over. You might feel angry, upset, confused, and frustrated as to why your child may engage in these behaviors. Your child is likely already feeling a sense of shame and guilt about this, especially if you’ve caught them in the act.
Pushing them into a corner can only intensify the shame they may already be experiencing.
To help your child work through this situation constructively, it’s important to first acknowledge what she might already be feeling. It’s also helpful to acknowledge your own feelings as well.
Remember - there are no “right vs. wrong” feelings, and recognizing the feelings coming up for you can help you create space to process the situation more clearly. It’s likely your child’s behaviors have triggered something unresolved in you that may be worth exploring at a later time.
It’s also important to know your feelings don’t have to dictate your actions. If you’re angry and upset - that is OKAY.
You have every right to feel that way. You can acknowledge what you feel AND choose to compassionately help your child through whatever she may be feeling in this delicate situation. Which leads to the next point:
2. Approach:
In these types of situations, be intentional about approaching yourself AND your child with compassion, not criticism.
Your default reaction may invoke criticism. Not because you don’t love your child but because their behavior has triggered something in you.
This is where it may take some proactive action on your part to approach your child from a place of compassion. This is essential to create space for her to feel safe to process the experience and to move through and forward from it. This is true for your language and actions.
Be aware of the choice of words you use when discussing this situation with your child.
If your emotions are running high and you don’t feel like you’re in a place where you can compassionately help your child, it’s okay to take a break and revisit the situation when you’re in a better headspace. Common reactions might include saying things like, “Why would you do this?”, or “What are you doing?”.
Putting your child on the defensive can drive them further into shame and conflict around food and their choices.
Sometimes trying to have a discussion about it in the moment may feel counterproductive, especially if your child is feeling guilt or shame.
Above all, help your child know that you love them and that you’re on their side. Some alternative phrases you can try might include things like, “I see you’ve been eating this in your room (acknowledgement). I’d love to help you figure out a way for you to enjoy this [enter food] without feeling like you have to hide it. I love you and am here to help you figure this out.”
3. Address:
After you’ve acknowledged and approached your child about this, it’s crucial to address the underlying issues at hand that may be influencing these behaviors.
Remember - these eating behaviors are a symptom of an underlying problem.
Addressing the root problem is necessary for treating the symptoms. If your child is feeling restricted from sweets or has been shamed for eating these types of foods, this is likely fueling hoarding food and eating in secret. You may want to try to correct the behavior to prevent it from happening again.
Typically, this involves course correction, like further restricting access to food or not bringing any sweets into the house - but these types of stances on food can exacerbate the symptoms, making them worse.
Instead, take a step back to discern what some of the underlying issues might be. Be sure to use the list above as a way to help you brainstorm what some of the potential issues may be.
Is your child able to enjoy sweets outside of special occasions? Has your child ever been shamed for eating certain foods? Are sweets (or whatever food your child may be hiding or eating in secret) off-limits in the house? Once you’ve identified what might be fueling the behavior, you can better address the underlying issues at hand.
For more help on identifying some of the reasons for your child sneaking sweets or secretly eating, check out this post here: “Child Sneaking Sugar? What to Do When You Find Your Kids Sneaking Food.”
4. Access:
One of the most powerful and effective ways to address a multitude of underlying issues influencing hiding/sneaking food is allowing increased access to sweets.
One way to help dissipate food hoarding behaviors and eating in secret is to allow more access to the foods your child may be hoarding or eating in secret. It may feel counterintuitive, but again, this is an important way to dispel the scarcity your child may be feeling around these foods.
When your child can trust that sweets are more readily available and that she has consistent access to them, she won’t feel the need to hide, sneak or eat them in secret.
Ultimately, you want to break food guilt cycles by giving your child permission to eat all foods. Showing an acceptance of all foods by incorporating them into your child’s regular meals and snacks can help remove them from a pedestal, creating a more neutral approach to these foods.
Another way to increase access is to allow your child to have more visibility with the foods she may be sneaking, hiding, or eating in secret. For example, if there are foods that are kept hidden or locked away from your child, she may be more likely to seek them out. Hiding food also communicates the message that these foods should be eaten in secret and creates a powerful emotional charge around these foods. Hidden or inaccessible foods can also create the feelings of scarcity and deprivation around these foods.
Having foods more visible to your child can dissipate some of these associated feelings.
It’s important to maintain boundaries with your child around these foods while making them visible and accessible - it is possible to do both.
For instance, if there’s a food you notice your child eating in secret, like cookies for example, you can do a couple things: 1) First, make those cookies a more routine part of your child’s everyday meals and snacks. You can offer your child a few cookies alongside her lunch and snack. 2) Make the cookies visible in the pantry instead of hiding them away with agreed upon rules. You can let your child know cookies are in the pantry and available to eat with meals and snacks - not outside of those parameters. When it comes time to eat a meal or snack, you can allow you child to get the cookies out of the pantry herself and plate the amount you’ve agreed to with her meal.
This is just an example - the goal is to increase accessibility to nullify the deprivation factor or scarcity around these foods your child may be feeling.
For more help with this, check out this blog here: “Kids Candy: Growing Healthy Children Need to Eat Candy, Too”
5. Amend:
Here’s where you may want to amend any grievances between you and your kiddo.
If you or your child is feeling hurt or upset, this can be a good time to reconnect, reestablish the trust factor together to rebuild a more positive feeding relationship. Ultimately, building a trusting feeding relationship with your child can help her feel safe around all foods.
The way your child relates to you with food is also an important factor that will influence how she feels about food and her body as she grows.
Distrust in the feeding relationship happens when we try to do our children’s job in regards to eating and don’t focus on doing our part with feeding. It can be hard to trust your child around food, especially if your child has been engaging in disruptive food behaviors, like hoarding food or eating in secret. But it’s of the utmost importance that your child feels as though you do trust her, or she will find it difficult to learn to trust herself.
If you and your child have had a tumultuous history around food or difficult experiences in the past, take some time to sit down with your child in effort to amend the relationship at hand.
Depending on your child’s age, you can have an honest conversation about how you’d like to move forward and reestablish healthy boundaries to support a healthy parent-child relationship.
Knowing when you need outside support
If your child has been sneaking or hoarding food, or if you’ve repeatedly found your child hiding to eat in secret, this can definitely be alarming.
These food behaviors may inevitably bring up come emotions within yourself that may make it challenging to work through this situation with your child, and that is okay too. This can be a tough situation, and you’re not alone if you find yourself needing more support to navigate this.
If you need help working through this situation to support your child in building a healthy and positive relationship with all foods, please check out my online coaching program, “Simplify Sweets Academy” for more personalized support.
I’ve worked with hundreds of parents with many food-related issues like this, and I want you to know that you’re not alone as you navigate through these food challenges with your own children.
No matter your circumstances, trust there is absolutely hope for you and your child to move forward toward peace in your home and around food. You’ve got this, mama!
What questions do you have about this topic? Feel free to leave them in the comments below!