If you have a picky eater or more at home, figuring out what and how to feed your family can feel infinitely more complicated.

Family meals are undoubtedly important for a variety of reasons; one being, it gathers your family together around a shared experience: eating. But when everyone’s eating different things or has such vastly different food preferences, it can feel like a lost cause. 

This is especially true if you’re dealing with picky eaters in your home.

As a mom who has dealt with a picky eater myself, I can vouch for how stressful this can make meal planning and family meals in general. There was a point where one of my toddlers literally ate like 5 foods. I felt stuck knowing what to prepare for mealtimes when she had such few foods she would willingly eat and accept. 

Maybe you’re going through something similar. 

Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed when your kid won't eat dinner and are unsure how to approach mealtimes when your child refuses to eat what you’ve made. You may be worried about your child going hungry or not getting enough of the right foods to support his or her growth. I know how challenging this situation can be, so I want to share some tips and ideas that have helped me and the families I work with, especially when you feel stuck and don’t know what to do when your kid won’t eat. 

Start With the End Goal In Mind

First, it’s important to understand what you’re working toward with all the thought and effort you’re putting into mealtimes. Because the monotony and repetitiveness of putting together a meal and feeding your family day after day can get tiresome real quick. 

Staying focused on the big picture goals with mealtimes can help take the pressure of you and make family meals more enjoyable for everyone. 

Because here’s the thing…

At the end of the day, it’s not so much about WHAT you ate as it is HOW you ate. I know this can be hard to embrace, but hear me out. 

Sometimes, we spend SO much time and effort on the minutiae of nutrition and food, that we lose sight of the big picture. Sometimes we’re so caught up in how much our kids are eating or whether or not there’s a vegetable on the table that the more important elements of family meals can be pushed to the backburner. 

Now, I’m not trying to say that nutrition is not important or anything like that. I want you to see there are more foundational pieces of the puzzle you need to get right first before you try to focus on the nutrition or food part of your meal. This is especially important if you’re dealing with picky eaters in your family. 

When nutrition is the sole goal of feeding your kids, mealtimes are going to feel miserable for you and them, no matter what you’re eating. 

So let’s take a step back to remember the big picture involved with feeding your family and your kiddos. 

Mealtimes should be a pleasant place for the family to reconnect and enjoy food. Meal and snack times are wonderful opportunities for your children to learn about food and to develop their eating skills. They’re also a great place to develop communication skills and fine/gross motor skills. 

But typically what I see is mealtimes becoming battlegrounds between parents and their children. The family meal can become a breeding ground for power struggles, where children are resistant to anything their parents want them to do. 

When Picky Eating Triggers Power Struggles

For example, let’s say you have a picky eater who refuses to eat anything you’ve offered for the meal. 

You may start to stress that your child isn’t eating anything, so you begin to put pressure on her to eat something. She may quickly push back and complain about not liking anything on the table. Then the power struggle comes out in full force. 

You may begin to negotiate with her, telling her she needs to take at least 5 bites of the food on her plate if she wants to leave the table to go play. 

She’s reluctant to listen and starts to cry or throw a tantrum. You’re losing your nerve and already feeling stressed about eating yourself. She may stall and continue to complain or throw a fit at the table. She may tell you she’s hungry but doesn’t want the food you’ve made - she wants something else. 

Your family is likely feeling the tension and you and your partner might exchange short quips with one another, trying to figure out what to do. After going back and forth for several minutes, you reluctantly go back into the kitchen to get her something else she’s asked for - milk and cereal. 

You may be fuming or feel defeated at this point, wondering what’s the point of family meals if you can’t seem to get your child to eat? Or they’re just so stressful all the time? It may feel like a vicious cycle that continues every time you attempt to sit down together, and you may be finding yourself quickly unraveling to the end of your rope. You may try to bribe your child with dessert or other rewards if she’ll just eat her food. 

Planning Meals For Your Picky Eater

Let me encourage you here, my friend. 

You’re absolutely not alone in this situation.

It can be overwhelming and difficult to know how to approach mealtimes with a child who’s a picky eater or who may be dealing with sensory sensitivities to food. Should you just keep serving the few foods you know your child will eat? Should you try to force them to eat other foods? Should you always have a second option planned for your child when you’re preparing meals for the rest of the family? 

I’m here to tell you there is an easier way to plan meals for your family that are inclusive and safe for your picky eaters without the added stress and overwhelm that may inevitably come up. 

There’s a simple framework you can use when planning your family meals that keep your picky eater in mind. But first, let’s look at some of the common scenarios that may come up in this situation. 

If you have a picky eater in your family, you may be drawn to one of these common scenarios: 

Scenario 1: 

You know your child won’t eat anything other than a few select foods. So you prepare a meal for your family and a separate meal for your child that includes his safe foods. OR, you start out having a meal with foods you’ve prepared, but if your child refuses to eat, you go back into the kitchen to prepare something different. You may feel like a short-order cook, but it’s the only way you feel like your child will eat anything. You’re at the end of your rope and don’t have the energy to negotiate with your child tonight.

Downsides: This can be especially difficult if you have other children, who may complain why their sibling gets separate food and they have to eat what you’ve prepared for them. Preparing separate meals can also get tedious and be challenging, especially if you’re pressed for time. Lastly, you may not be giving your child enough opportunities to learn to eat other foods if you’re only catering to what he will eat. 

Scenario 2: 

You know your child will only eat select foods, but you’re going to serve what you want and leave it at that. You figure your child will eat if he’s hungry enough or you get into a negotiation squirmish, trying to get him to take a few bites of food before he leaves the table. He reluctantly eats what you ask him too, but he leaves the table feeling defeated and you’re exhausted with another mealtime battle.

Downsides: Not having any safe or accepted foods for a child at mealtimes can make eating stressful. A child may begin to build aversions to food or having negative associations with mealtimes. Pressure to eat tactics can actually make your child become more pickier and eat less over time. 

So what is the solution? 

Be encouraged, my friend. There is an easier, more effective solution. And the best part is that it doesn’t involve any bribery, tears, or tantrums. But it does require you to start with the end goal in mind. 

What do I mean by that exactly? 

Well, let me explain. 

See, often when it comes to picky eaters, or feeding our kids in general, there’s a misconception about what mealtimes should be about. 

Many parents assume it’s their job to get their kids to eat at all costs, or to micromanage their plates or get them to eat certain foods or amounts at meals. But if you’re feeding your kids with this end goal in mind, it will only make things unnecessarily stressful and complicated at mealtimes for you and your kids. 

The truth is that it’s actually not your job to get your child to eat. 

When you try to make that your job, that’s when things go awry. Your job is to offer your child regular meals and snacks throughout the day and to focus on making mealtimes a safe experience from which your child can explore food and learn to eat an amount that’s right for him. 

When it comes to picky eaters, in particular, they tend to clam up under any type of pressure or stress. So if you’re pressuring, bribing or coercing your child to eat, your child’s more likely to shut down or have a harder time eating in general. 

On the other hand, picky eaters also need continued and repeated opportunities to learn how to eat new foods. Often what I see parents do with picky eaters is cater to them by only offering the foods they know they’ll eat. 

While you want your children to feel safe and to be able to eat foods they find acceptable, this doesn’t enable them to learn and develop their skills with food and eating. Kids often have rapidly changing food preferences, where they may suddenly dislike foods they used to eat willingly. If you’ve only offered your kids food they will eat, this can leave you with few food options if their preferences suddenly change. 

I know you may be feeling like this leaves you with no other options, but here’s an effective 4-part framework you can use to plan meals for your picky eaters that both helps them feel safe at mealtimes and supports them in developing their eating skills. 

Formula for Feeding Your Picky Eater

1. Help them feel comfortable at mealtimes:

First, you want to help your child feel comfortable enough to come to the table and share a meal with your family. 

If feeding has been stressful for you, it likely means that eating has also become stressful for your child. Picky eaters especially need to feel safe around food, or they will be driven further into food refusal and away from wanting to eat. 

You want to create positive associations for your child with food. And I know what you may be thinking: how can you plan a meal that feels safe for your child but also doesn’t cater to the only things they will eat? 

You want to be considerate of your child’s preferences and food likes without catering to them. 

The way you can do this is by ensuring that your child has at least 1-2 safe food options included in the family meal. 

When I say a food option, I mean a food component, like bread, fruit, milk, pasta, rice, etc. - whatever foods your child is currently accepting of and feels safe eating. Notice you just need to have 1-2 of these foods included in the whole family meal. The entirety of the family meal doesn’t need to be catered directly to your child. It’s just not feasible to plan meals like this, for you or your family. 

Instead, put together a list of the foods your child reasonably enjoys eating and feels safe having at the table. 

Now think about including 1-2 of these foods in meals you’re already making for your family or want to make to ensure your child has something he feels safe eating. As long as there’s at least one safe and accepted food on the table, this will help ground your child in feeling more comfortable at mealtimes. 

If you’ve previously been making separate meals for your child, it may take some time adjusting to this new method for planning meals. It may be hard for your child to not have all of his preferred foods at mealtimes, but that’s okay. Your approach and language are of the utmost importance whenever you make changes at mealtimes. 

Setting the stage ahead of time can help your child adjust. For example, you might tell your child, “This is what we’re having for dinner tonight. You don’t have to eat or try anything unless you want to. You can pick the foods you want to eat from what we have here.” 

Immediately, you’re taking the pressure off of your child while reassuring them that there are safe and accepted foods available to eat at the table. 

What’s also important is to set firm but loving boundaries around food and mealtime. 

Your child may initially throw a fit or refuse to come to the table and eat. But gently and lovingly tell your child, “This is what we’re having for dinner tonight. You don’t have to eat if you don’t want to, but it’s family time right now, and we’d love for you to come sit with us and tell us about your day.” (For more support on how to talk to your picky eater in a way that helps them feel safe at the table, be sure to check out this post here: “Picky Eater: How to Talk With Your Child Dealing With Picky Eating”)

Again, you’re diverting the attention away from the food and focusing on the big picture goal of connecting with your child and creating more positive associations around food and eating. You’re inviting them to join in the family meal time, and by taking the pressure off eating and including 1-2 safe foods for your child, you’re making mealtimes a safer space for them to be included.

The key is to offer at least 1-2 accepted/safe foods from which your child can choose from. If your child only eats these foods and nothing else from the meal you’ve offered, that’s OKAY. As you work on making mealtimes safer, your child will gradually feel more comfortable exploring other foods you’re offering at a pace right for him. 

In fact, your child may ONLY eat his or her safe foods offered at mealtimes for quite some time before they feel comfortable enough to explore other foods - that is normal and expected too. 

Try rotating among the safe foods your child feels comfortable with in the meals you’re providing to offer some variety. If you’re worried about your child’s nutritional intake or feel inclined to hide veggies in their food, be sure to read this post here: “Hiding Veggies in Food For Toddlers? How to Help Your Picky Eater Eat”

If your child is refusing to eat what you’ve made and wants you to make something else, stay firm and gentle in your approach. Succumbing to only preparing what your child is requesting after you’ve already included a couple safe food options in the meal may seem like a short term solution but won’t help in the long run. 

Again, how you address this is key. 

If your child is refusing to eat what you’ve made and wants something else, lovingly say something along the lines of, “This is what we’re having for dinner tonight. There are some foods on the table you can enjoy eating if you’re hungry. But you don’t have to eat if you don’t want to.”

Part of helping your child feel safe at mealtimes is setting boundaries around food too. If you’re letting your child run the show at mealtimes, this actually will make them feel LESS safe. 

So bottom line: You’re the one in charge of what you’re offering at mealtimes. Focus on helping your child feel comfortable at mealtimes by offering 1-2 of their safe foods in the meal you’ve provided for your family. Be considerate of their preferences without catering to them. Set firm but loving boundaries to help them feel safe around mealtimes. Redirect tantrums and meltdowns by staying firm and using strategic language to remove pressure. 

2: Build trust with your child around food: 

Focus on your jobs with eating, trust your child to do her part with eating. Another important aspect of helping your child feel safe at mealtimes is to build trust with your child around food.

This means you’re focusing on your jobs with feeding your kids and trusting your children to do their parts with eating. If your child refuses to eat, doesn’t want to eat certain things from what’s offered or only wants to eat so much of any given food, building trust with your children means trusting those choices and their appetite. 

This is where keeping an eye on the bigger picture goals is essential: remember, it’s not about the bites of broccoli your child is or isn’t eating or the amount of food you think they should eat. All of that needs to be pushed to the backburner in order for your children to feel safe to explore foods on their terms. 

Kids won’t feel safe exploring food if they don’t feel like they have any autonomy or if they feel like their own bodies can’t be trusted. The best way to help your children feel like they have a say in their food choices is to approach feeding in a respectful manner. This means staying in your lane with your feeding responsibilities and trusting your children to do their parts with eating. 

Respectful feeding also looks like: 

• Accepting food refusals at mealtimes

• Laying down your own expectations and hidden agendas (like wanting your child to eat certain amounts and foods)

• Allowing your children to decide, 1) What they want to eat from the foods you’ve provided, and 2) How much they want to eat

• Not pressuring your child to eat more of anything

• Not asking your children to take bites of their food (You can learn more about this here: “Trying New Foods: Should Your Kids Follow the One Polite Bite Rule?”

• Allowing your child to explore and play with food

• Refraining from using external motivators for children to eat, like rewards, bribes, etc. 

• Serving meals family style and allowing your kids to self-serve the foods they want to eat from the food you’ve provided.Learn more here: “How Family Style Dining Makes Feeding Kids Easier at Mealtime” 

Feeding is an extension of parenting. As you move toward respectful feeding, you help nurture trust between you and your child, and in turn, this will help your child feel safer at mealtimes and with exploring food. This is foundational to support your child in learning about food at a pace right for him or her. 

More trust now helps build a foundation for better eating later. 

3. Value connection over nutrition:

Piggybacking on the last point, you want to shift your focus about mealtimes to be more centered on togetherness and enjoyment, rather than the minutiae of nutrition, or getting your child to eat. 

I know this may feel counterintuitive, and many parents I work with initially feel resistant to this idea. Shouldn’t we be concerned about the foods our children are eating and whether or not they are getting enough vegetables in? What about their health and well-being? Isn’t nutrition crucial in their early years of growth and development?

These are all valid questions and concerns. I want you to think about prioritizing nutrition above all else like putting the cart before the horse. It just doesn’t work to help you and your family reach these big picture goals with eating; nor does it support your children in building a positive relationship with food and confidence in their bodies. 

What we do see is positive family mealtime practices set the stage for lifelong healthy eating and a positive relationship with food. When you’re focusing on making mealtimes more about connection, togetherness, and enjoyment, your kids will naturally get to a place where they’re able to self-regulate what they need to best support their individual growth and development. 

Think about it like this: when nutrition is the highest priority, it influences you to hyperfocus on what and how much your child is eating at mealtimes. 

This may also result in pressuring your child to eat. Pressure to eat tactics are more likely to result in your child eating less at mealtimes, have a lower fruit and vegetable intake, and increase pickiness and reluctance to eating. 

On the other hand, when connecting with your child at mealtimes is prioritized over nutrition, your kiddo is more likely to feel relaxed and at ease around food, increasing the likelihood of eating and exploring food. 

You can facilitate connections with your child at mealtimes in the following ways: 

• Avoid any mealtime discussions that aren’t all about the food

• Minimize any comments on what or how much anyone at the table is eating

• Play a game at mealtimes with your child, like the guessing game, or “I spy”. For example, you can tell your child, “I spy something red at the table, can you help me find what it is?” This is helping your child engage with the food in a way that feels safe because there’s no pressure to eat.

• Have a jar of conversation starters that your kids can take turns picking from with fun topics to discuss

These things can help you prioritize enjoyment and togetherness, making mealtimes MUCH less stressful for you and your family. 

This approach doesn’t mean that you don’t care about nutrition or your child’s health. It’s focusing on what needs to be foundational so your child can grow from there. 

4. Create safe opportunities for your child to learn to eat

Lastly, it’s important to remember that eating is a skill your child is learning to develop. Once you’ve shifted to focusing on making mealtimes safe and enjoyable for your children AND the entire family, you want to consider how you’re creating opportunities for your children to learn about and explore other foods outside of their comfort zones. It’s important to address this AFTER you’ve built on the first 3 steps to continue to facilitate safe mealtime experiences with your child. 

Repeated food exposures without any pressure to eat, both during and outside of mealtimes, is essential for your child to learn about eating new food. 

Remember - your child has a natural curiosity about food and eating. Your kids will become more curious about exploring new foods as they begin feeling safer at mealtimes, and as meals become associated with more positive connections. 

Your child will need to engage and interact with food in multiple ways before considering eating or trying something outside of their safe foods. 

The key is to present these opportunities repeatedly WITHOUT any pressure for your child to eat these foods. 

Food exposure for your child encourages interactions in multiple ways that don’t involve eating, such as:

• Letting your child help prepare foods in the kitchen

• Reading about different foods 

• Pretending to “cook” foods in a play kitchen

• Asking your child neutral questions about food at mealtimes or in the grocery store, like, “What colors do you see on the table?”, “What shapes are on mommy’s plate?”, “Can you find something here that’s red?”, etc. 

• Allow your child to interact with the food, like asking her to pass the bowl to you or help scoop certain foods on to YOUR plate

• Letting your child play with different foods (kids learn about their environment through play, so this can be a great way to boost your child’s confidence!)

The more ways your child can interact with food that doesn't involve eating, the more you will help increase your child’s confidence and comfortability in trying new foods. 

Connecting to Help When Needed

I hope this helps give you some strategies to work with to bring peace to your mealtimes and confidence with approaching food with your picky eater. 

If you need more support with picky eating or approaching a child who won’t eat, be sure to join me in my upcoming virtual workshop on feeding picky eaters. Sign up on the waitlist below to get all the details as soon as they become available.

What are your questions? Feel free to leave them in the comments section below - I’d love to help you!