“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice” - Peggy O’Mara

Starting from the day our kids are born, we obsess about their body sizes. Typically, the first thing someone wants to know after announcing the birth of a baby is her size and weight. I don’t say this in a judgemental way, but more as an observation of what we hyperfocus on as a society. 

This continues as our kids grow, where we intently watch their growth projections plotted on charts and graphs. It’s easy to make assumptions about our children’s health based on where they land on the growth charts, especially on the higher or lower ends of the growth curves. 

In a society that is saturated with weight bias and highly fat phobic, kids are being scrutinized for their body sizes. The constant stream and hum of social media seems to perpetuate a game of comparison among kids that many parents unintentionally get sucked into.

While any body scrutiny is unhelpful and hurtful for kids of any size, children in larger and smaller bodies seem to take the brunt of this negative attention. 

So why does any of this matter?

While this topic can be uncomfortable to discuss, the risks of not having this conversation are too high. 

As parents, we may not be able to control the culture or society in which we bring up our children. However, we can be aware of the culture in our own home and the earliest exposures our kids will have that inform their thoughts and feelings toward food and their bodies. 

At the end of the day, it’s important to ask yourself this question: how do you feel about your child’s body size? 

Unknowingly, many parents may harbor certain opinions, thoughts, and feelings about their children’s body sizes. This can be influenced by lived experiences, cultural influences, and more. 

The hard truth is that uncomfortable feelings about your child’s body size could contribute to dysfunctions in the way you feed your child. 

Let me give you some examples to explain this further. 

Feeding a Child in a Smaller Body Type

Let’s say you have a child who may be in a smaller body type. Your child may fall on the lower percentiles on the growth charts. Maybe your child is much smaller compared to other kids her age. She may not seem to eat much at meals, and you may be worried about her intake.

You might get comments from friends, family members, or well-meaning professionals who make it a point to mention her size to you. “She’s so tiny!”, or “She looks so small for her age!”, can become commonplace.

While they might be innocent observations, these types of comments have seeded fears and doubts in your mind. You might begin to wonder,”Is she eating enough?”, “Is she growing normally?”.

These fears can begin to unintentionally infiltrate the way you feed her. You might nudge her to eat another bite at dinner or pressure her to eat more at mealtimes. You might begin to instill rules at the table to get her to eat a certain amount of food that you feel comfortable with.

It may be difficult to stick to any sort of meal and snack schedule because you second-guess yourself and eating might feel like a free-for-all. Meals can begin to feel like a battle-zone as you constantly keep a watchful eye over every bite that is going into her mouth.

Persuading her to eat might seem to make her more wary of food, and she’s deliberately refusing to eat altogether. What’s happening here?

Feeding a Child in a Larger Body Type

As another example, let’s say you have a child who is in a larger body type. You can’t help but compare him to other kids his age and notice that his body is different.

You’ve had well-meaning friends and relatives who’ve made a comment or two to you about your child’s size: “Wow, he’s got a hearty appetite!”, or, “Are you sure he should be eating dessert?”

Your pediatrician may have made a comment at your child’s last well check as he’s hovered around the higher growth percentiles. You worry about him getting teased in school or on his teams.

He’s active and loves playing sports, and he has a hearty appetite. Sometimes, you might feel uncomfortable at the amount of food he can eat. You begin to wonder if you need to start controlling his intake and the amount of food he’s eating.

You might casually make comments to him about making healthier choices. You may worry that he’s eating too much and so you begin dishing out smaller portions on his plate. He may not be allowed to have any desserts anymore, and you stop buying some of the favorite snacks that he loved eating.

You notice that he seems more preoccupied with food. You found some candy bar wrappers in his backpack and notice that he’s sneaking food behind your back.

This is beginning to create stress and tension between you both, and mealtimes feel like a struggle. You’re scared about what it might mean for your child to be in a larger body but don’t know what to do. How should you move forward?

How Fear Can Create Distrust and Disruptions in the Feeding Relationship

Both of these examples are different but have a similar root issue: fear around a child’s body size can lead to disruptions and dysfunctions in the feeding relationship. 

When a parent is driven by fear, this can sometimes influence an overwhelming need for control. In these situations, parents might supersede their children's innate ability to self-regulate what they need to grow into the body that is right for them with controlling feeding tactics.

Again, much of this is driven from fear. Fear of having a child who may be in a larger or smaller body can lead to disruptions in how you feed that child.

For example, if you’re worried about your child being in a smaller body, you might resort to feeding tactics, such as force feeding or pressuring your child to eat, which can actually backfire over the long-run.

Studies have found that parental pressure to eat is strongly associated with children’s food avoidance, as well as with lower child weight status; meaning, your child is more likely to avoid the very foods you are trying to get them to eat.

Similarly, if you have a child who is in a larger body, you might be concerned about their weight or health, and so you begin to restrict your child from eating certain foods, decrease their portions, don’t allow them to eat dessert, etc.

These tactics will backfire and can cause your child to become preoccupied with food, overeat, and can potentially increase risk of eating disorders down the line. Research has also found that high levels of parental restrictive feeding can cause children to develop increased preference for the foods their parents restricted.

Remember that we can’t see the BIG picture when it comes to our child’s growth. We only see a snippet of it at a time. We can’t tell if our child’s about to hit a growth spurt or puberty, has a slower period of growth, etc. 

If we are shifting how we feed them in response to our individual interpretation of their growth, this will damage them in the long run and be a potential trigger for eating and body image issues. It’s crucial to feed them with trust and NOT from a place of fear, as kids will pick up on our own anxieties related to food and body.

Factors That Can Lead to Concern About a Child’s Body Size

Let’s take a few steps back to discuss some of the underlying reasons that might fuel fear about a child’s body size. 

All the parents I’ve worked with around this issue have had nothing but the best intentions for their child. Any parental influence or control around feeding a child typically comes from a place of care and concern. 

Research has found that the way parents feed their children is closely connected with parental concern for children’s weight. 

So what are the underlying issues that might fuel fear around a child’s body size, particularly children who are in smaller or larger bodies? 

Here are some influencing factors to be aware of:

• Misinterpretation of growth charts: In some instances, a child’s growth trajectory might be misinterpreted where a professional may label your child in a manner that is not congruent with their growth.

• Past traumatic experiences around body size (for either you or your child) such as bullying, teasing, cyber bullying, etc.

• Weight bias, fat phobia: We live in a culture that glorifies thinner bodies and is prejudice against individuals in larger bodies. Sadly, our children are not immunized from this.

• Fear around health issues: Parents may fear the health consequences of their child being in a smaller or larger body. 

• Athletic performance: Some children may face pressure to maintain a certain body type to excel or perform well for sports.

• History of chronic dieting, eating disorders: Parents who has a tumultuous relationship with food or body image may be hypersensitive toward their own child’s body size

If you are struggling to accept your child’s current body size or feel unsettled about the body your child is growing into, it may be helpful to take a step back and examine some of the factors that could be contributing to this. 

Risks of Weight or Body Size Scrutiny in Childhood

To best help your children build a positive relationship with food and their bodies, It’s necessary to bring this back to the big picture: Why is it important for you to make peace with your body’s child size? 

Why is it critical to build a trusting feeding relationship with your children and to not allow your personal agenda about their body sizes interfere with how you feed them? 

To put it plainly, how you approach your children’s body and food will be an influential factor in how they feel about their own bodies and eating throughout their lifetimes. 

Children are born with an innate ability to self-regulate their intake to grow at a rate that is best for them and their own bodies. 

Attempting to manipulate a child’s body size through controlling feeding tactics is teaching a child that his own body can’t be trusted. 

This can lead to a lifelong struggle with food, body image, and an increased risk for eating disorders, such as anorexia, bulimia or binge eating disorder.

It’s important to know that manipulating your child’s food intake will not change the outcome of her or her intake in accordance with your agenda.

In surrendering any agendas you might have in regards to the outcome of your child’s body size can empower YOU to build a trusting feeding relationship. This, in turn, can allow your child the freedom to grow into who she is meant to be while learning to be self-accepting of who she will become. 

How to Make Peace With Your Child’s Body Size

It can be humbling to recognize any hidden agenda you might be harboring about your child’s body size. Awareness is the first step toward creating any meaningful change that will support your child’s ability to develop a positive relationship with food and her body. 

Be patient with yourself as you uncover anything that might be coming to the surface. Self-examination isn’t easy, but it can be productive when done through a compassionate lens. 

If you’re desiring to come to a place where you can make peace with your child’s body size, here are some ideas to help you support you on your journey:

-Understand that ultimately, you can’t control the outcome of your child’s body size: First, it’s important to recognize that you can’t control the size of your child’s body any more than you can control their eye color. Weight is largely controlled by your child’s genetics, which means, it’s already predetermined. The best thing you can do is to focus on building a trusting feeding relationship with your child so that you increase their ability to naturally grow into the body size that is right for THEM, not you. Acknowledging what you don’t have control over can make it easier to surrender.

-Surrender any underlying agenda: It’s important to let go of any hidden agendas you might have for your children, especially around their body sizes, the foods they eat, and their food behaviors. Letting go of your idea of who they should be will allow them to flourish into the amazing people they are meant to be.

-Adjust your expectations and perceptions: Research has found that when well-intended but concerned parents assume that children need help in determining how much to eat, it can cause parents to impose disruptive child feeding practices. This means it’s important to LET GO of your own idea of how/what your child should eat. Stick to your job with feeding and allow your child to self-regulate how much he needs from what you have provided. When you assume he has eaten too much or too little, this can trigger dysfunctional feeding practices. Let go of your own expectations to allow your child to eat what he needs to grow at a rate that is right for him. 

-Work through your fears: Parents want the best for their kids and typically have the best intentions. Legitimate fears can influence controlling feeding practices with your own children that can be counterproductive. By addressing and working through any underlying fears or concerns you may have about your child’s weight, you can be better prepared to support your own child. Your child can pick up on your own anxieties and fears around body size, which can be a trigger for poor body image. Working through these fears can prevent you from projecting them on to your child.

-Learn to accept your own body: As you learn to accept your body and treat yourself with kindness and respect, it will be easier to demonstrate this to your own child as well, no matter her body size.

You Can’t Control Your Child’s Body Size, but Here’s What You Can Control:

• Your attitude and beliefs about your child’s body size

• The way in which you feed your child: It’s important to stick to your job with feeding, offering a variety of foods at regularly scheduled meal and snack times, and allowing your child to decide how much to eat from what you’ve provided. Body size shouldn’t play a role in how/what you feed your child. 

• How you treat and take care of your own body: Ultimately, teaching and modeling body acceptance can help affirm to your child that you trust their body and that they are MORE than their body size or appearance. Check out this post on how to raise kids who love their bodies even if you don’t love yours.

• How you talk to your children about their bodies: Remember that stigmatizing and polarizing language can trigger poor body image in your child. As a rule, try to refrain from commenting on your child’s body.

• Healing from your own body image issues that may be projected on your child: Understand that how you feel about your child’s body can influence how you feed them. How you feel about your child’s body can stem from your feelings toward your own body. If you’re struggling with body image, be encouraged in knowing that this is something you can work through and heal from, for yourself and your child.

• Avoid dieting behaviors (for you and your kids): Dieting is associated with increased likelihood of overeating, greater weight gain over time, and other chronic health problems. Dieting is also the single most important predictor of eating disorders, which are severe mental illnesses. Research has found that girls whose mothers were currently dieting were significantly more likely to diet before age 11 than those whose mothers were not dieting. If you are concerned about your child’s weight or food intake, please know that dieting is not a solution. Here is a resource that can give you ways to help your child’s health without resorting to dieting tactics: “Instead of a Diet for Kids, These Healthy Habits Create Real Change”

If you find yourself getting triggered by your child’s body size and/or eating behaviors, keep this in mind:

1. Recognize the signs that indicate you might be feeling triggered (anger, anxiety, fear, etc); take the time to PAUSE if you find yourself feeling triggered.

2. Remember that your reaction is your responsibility, not your child’s and that the emotions you’re feeling are not your child’s fault. 

3. Decide how you want to respond to the trigger.

4. Get curious: What’s beneath the trigger that may have caused certain feelings to resurface?

5. Process the experience: Whether you need to talk it out with someone you trust, journal, etc. 

6. Be compassionate toward yourself: Experiencing these emotions does not make you a bad parent - it makes you HUMAN. These moments can be opportunities for you to learn more about yourself and heal so that moving forward, you can be empowered to handle these situations productively. 

If you’re needing support around this area for any reason, I encourage you to reach out to a professional who practices from a weight neutral or “health at every size” approach, including a pediatrician or pediatric registered dietitian. 

If you are a mother who wants to heal your relationship with food and your body to be able to model a positive example for your kids, please connect with me today. I would love to hear your story and learn how I can help.

No matter what your history with your child has been up to this point, there is hope for healing and moving forward in a way that celebrates your child, no matter her body size.