The one-polite bite: it’s the catchphrase that’s been used for picky eaters and kids resistant to trying new foods. It’s asking kids to try just one bite of their food. After all, they won’t know if they like it until they try it, right? Encouraging them to try just one bite may seem like a great way to get them to eat. 

But is it effective? Does it really work in helping kids eat? 

Many parents may resort to this tactic because it’s the only way they feel their kids will actually eat.

Can you relate? 

You might be worried about your child’s food intake. You may be concerned about your child’s growth. And so there’s this subtle way of trying to persuade your child to eat. It’s only asking them to take “one bite” of the foods on their plates. I mean, seems harmless enough. And it certainly is well-intentioned. 

Many of us may resort to these feeding practices as parents because these are the same things we grew up with, so it’s familiar to us.

Your parents or caregivers may have required you to at least try a bite of the foods served on your plate. You may have even grown up learning that it was good manners and polite to try whatever food has been prepared and served on your plate, out of respect for those who prepared it for you. I know I did. As a first generation American, my parents both immigrated to the United States, and food was scarce. We were taught that we didn’t waste food and that eating everything on our plates was a sign of respect and gratitude for the food we did have to eat. 

Trying New Foods: The Mainstream Media Message

But regardless of your upbringing or how you were raised to view food, this idea of the “one-polite-bite” or trying new foods is promoted as best practice everywhere, even on mainstream media for kids. 

Even the wholesome kids’ shows that we all love, like Daniel Tiger and Pete the Cat, all have subtle messages about persuading children to at least try whatever food may be served on their plates.

I’ll never forget the time my daughter announced at lunch that she had to try at least 3 bites of her food, because she heard Pete the Cat say that’s what kids are supposed to do at mealtimes. At first, I was super confused because I don’t implement any of these types of rules at meals for my kids. Sure enough, I looked up the episode and was shocked about what I discovered. 

If you haven’t had the pleasure of watching this episode of Pete the Cat, allow me to indulge you in the story: 

Apparently, Pete the Cat makes a banana casserole for his classmates because it’s his favorite lunch. But it  turns out that his friend, Grumpy Toad, really hates bananas. Pete can’t understand how he can possibly hate bananas if he’s never tried one before. So in an effort to get Grumpy Toad to try the dish he made, he explains the “Three Bite Rule”, telling him that he too can be supercool and groovy if he tries something new by taking at least 3 bites of it. 

Hmmmm. 

In a similar situation, Daniel Tiger also dedicates a full episode to this “predicament” of getting kids to try new foods, complete with a catchy tune and all. I’ve written about my disdain for kids’ media that pushes this agenda of trying to get kids to eat. You can read more about that here: “Daniel Tiger: How Diet Culture Shows Up and How to Protect Your Kids”

It seems innocent enough, right? And certainly well-intentioned. I mean, if even our most beloved cartoon characters, like Daniel Tiger, are persuading kids to try new foods, shouldn’t we as parents do the same? 

The basis of the problem with persuading kids to try new foods is that it’s creating a predicament out of something that shouldn’t be problematic. It’s making food more complicated for parents and kids alike. It’s operating on the assumption that kids won’t try new foods or even eat unless we’re persuading them to do so. 

Whether it’s with the one-polite-bite rule, The Three Bite Rule, or a catchy tune from Daniel Tiger. No matter how it's packaged, it’s a pressure-to-eat tactic that’s undermining your child’s ability to eat. 

Why Pushing Your Kids to Eat Doesn’t Work

Pressure to eat, whether positive or negative, or spun into a persuasive song, isn’t effective for helping a child build a positive relationship with food. 

When we’re asking kids to try something on their plate and not allowing and trusting them to eat themselves, it creates a breeding ground for conflict and negative associations around food and mealtimes. 

So many parents I’ve worked with can attest to how stressful mealtimes have become because they feel like they have to micromanage their kids’ plates and monitor every morsel that’s going into their mouths. 

But I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way. 

In fact, it’s not your job to get your kids to eat. 

Or to try to persuade them to eat vegetables. Or to try to get them to try something new. Much of this stems from fear and worry that kids can’t be trusted to eat. That we have to be the ones to persuade them, encourage them, and push them, otherwise they won’t do it themselves. 

The reality is that the more kids are pressured to eat, whatever the format, the less likely they’re going to want to eat. 

In fact, research has found that when kids feel pressured to eat, they're more likely to develop an aversion to the very foods their caregivers are trying to get them to eat. 

Pressure to eat feeding tactics, like the “One-Polite-Bite”, are also associated with: 

• Lower energy intake in children

• Lower fruit and vegetable intake

• Higher pickiness

• Emergence of disordered eating

• Impairment of a child’s ability to self-regulate energy intake (which could potentially promote overeating over time)

• A negative impact on the development of childhood eating behaviors

No matter how it’s packaged, the impact of pressure to eat on children can have far-reaching consequences that make it challenging for them to develop a positive relationship with food. 

Knowing this, why might we default to these tactics or feel inclined to pressure our child to eat? 

Why You May Pressure Your Kids to Eat

As I mentioned earlier, there’s always good intention behind getting a child to eat.

Parents don’t fall into these behaviors in effort to hurt their child whatsoever. If you’ve ever tried to get your child to eat or try new foods, this is not intended to shame you or make you feel guilty. You’ve likely resorted to these tactics out of genuine concern for your child’s health and well-being. Feeding kids is HARD, and you’re doing the best you can with the information and resources you have. 

Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why you might feel inclined to get your child to eat or try new foods: 

• Your child may have a limited amount of accepted foods she will eat

• Your child may be in a smaller body

• You’ve been told your child is underweight

• You’ve worried about your child’s overall growth 

• You’re concerned about your child’s nutritional intake and worried he’s not eating enough of the “right” foods

• You want your child to eat more “healthy”, nutrient-dense foods

• You don’t think your child is eating enough or the right amounts of certain foods

• Your child is a picky eater or more sensitive to certain flavors, textures, etc. 

• Your child has a history of medical/behavioral/developmental issues that made eating challenging at some point

• You compare how your child’s eating to your other children or other kids her age

As you can see, there are a variety of reasons that might influence you to resort to pressure-to-eat feeding tactics, all which stem from a love and concern for your child’s well-being. 

An important step toward taking a more helpful approach with your child is to first understand the bigger picture goals when it comes to feeding kids. Through this perspective shift, you can feel more at ease about feeding your child and more confident in trusting your child to eat.

Understanding the Big Picture Goals With Feeding

The truth is that your child WANTS to eat. 

Your child is eager to learn how to eat and is naturally curious about food. 

Kids are born with an innate ability to self-regulate their intake and are programmed with regulators that guide their intake to best support their growth and development. 

This is true of ALL children. 

Many of us, as parents, are convinced our kids don’t know how or what to eat and that it’s our job to help them do this. In reality, we’re not the ones living in our children’s bodies. 

We actually don’t know what foods they need to eat or how much they should eat on any given day to best support their bodies, growth and development. We’d like to think we do, and so it’s easy to take it upon ourselves to try to micromanage their intake according to our own agenda.

But this is where the feeding problems can start. 

You see, when we try to take over eating for our kids, we’re essentially taking away their own autonomy and body independence. 

We’re not helping them learn how to listen to their bodies and TRUST what their bodies need when we try to do their eating jobs for them. 

If a child doesn’t want to eat something and you try to persuade them otherwise, you’re communicating the message that you know better than they do, even though you’re not living in their bodies. 

What they’re hearing from you is, “I know better than you. You need to listen to me over your own body”. 

A child then learns to listen to external sources over their own internal compass and regulators, thus the beginnings of a conflicted relationship with food and their bodies. Of course, this is not the message you’re intending to send them, but this can be the impact of pressuring to eat.

This is where it’s so critical to be aware of your own fears and anxieties when it comes to feeding your kids, so you can push them aside in order to create space for your children to learn how to eat at a pace that is right for them, without outside influences or your well-intentioned interventions. 

Sometimes, it’s our own insecurities that influence us to want to control our children. This is especially true with food and eating.

That may mean that your child doesn’t branch out and try new foods for longer periods of time than you may feel comfortable with. It may also mean your kids eat less than you would prefer or don't eat the types of foods you’d want them too. 

Kids are naturally curious about food, not fearful. 

Sometimes it’s our own fears being projected on our kids that inevitably sabotages how they in turn feel about food. 

It’s not your job to get kids to eat. Pushing kids to eat on your timeline instead of theirs’ undermines their autonomy and development, making it difficult for them to build positive associations with food. 

Sure, in the short-term, you may have gotten your kids to eat or try something at that particular mealtime. But how is this setting them up for the long-term? It’s not helping your kids develop a lifelong trust in their bodies and eating abilities, nor is it setting them up to have a positive relationship with food. 

Eating is a skill your kids are developing, and the bottom line is that it takes time for them to feel comfortable and confident enough to try new foods. Every child is different, and some kids, especially those with sensory sensitivities or other factors, may have a longer timeline to try new foods. And that’s okay.

A bigger picture goal than trying to get your kids to eat at mealtimes or to try certain foods is to help them build confidence in listening to and trusting their own bodies. 

This is foundational for your children to develop a positive relationship with food and their own bodies. It means respecting their autonomy and not pressuring, coercing, or micromanaging how or what they eat. It’s making mealtimes pleasant and enjoyable so they can have opportunities to learn about food in a way that feels comfortable and safe for them. 

Respectful Feeding, Not Polite Eating 

When you can keep these big pictures at the forefront of your mind, it helps put everything into perspective. 

You can more easily see why “one-polite-bite”, or any rules around food or eating may cause more harm than good. 

Understanding the bigger picture changes the way you feed your kids. It changes you too, for the better. In many ways, it helps parents confront their own beliefs, anxieties, and fears around food and feeding their kids, and hopefully heal for the better. 

As you work through this for the betterment of your children and more peaceful mealtimes, keep these things in mind to support your family toward more peaceful mealtimes.  

It’s not your children’s job to appease anyone by trying food, especially if they’re not ready for it yet. This includes you, other caregivers, teachers, grandparents, and more. 

Disrespecting your child’s body autonomy for the sake of appearing polite to others is not what it means to have good manners. You can teach your child how to politely decline food and use respectful manners, but taking bites of food is not part of being polite. 

Instead, focus on respecting your child’s autonomy and independence, and help them learn how to trust their bodies with food and eating. 

You can implement respectful feeding in your home through the following ways.

How to Implement Respectful Feeding In Your Home: 

1. Build a trusting feeding relationship with your child: 

A foundation of respectful feeding with your children involves the relationship between you and them and how you are feeding your kids. Feeding is an extension of your parenting, and how you feed your children can set a foundation for trust and respect. 

How can you do this exactly? 

In a nutshell, you, as a parent, have certain jobs and responsibilities when it comes to feeding your children. This involves determining what food you’re going to feed them, when you’re going to offer food, and where you’re serving meals and snacks. That’s it! 

Now your children have their own jobs when it comes to eating. It’s up to your kids to decide: 1) Whether or not they want to eat, and 2) How much they want to eat from the foods you’ve provided them. 

Focusing on your jobs with feeding and trusting your kids to do their part with eating is the foundation of building a trusting feeding relationship between you and them. In this trusting feeding context, your child can feel safe to learn about eating and build positive associations with food. Learn more about building a trusting feeding relationship here: “The Feeding Relationship: How to Build Trust With Your Child Around Food”

2. Consider serving meals family style: 

A common approach to feeding kids is dishing out their food on their plates and serving it to them, no questions asked. And while this may be the case for all practical purposes, it may be helpful to switch up this approach in order to help minimize any pressure at mealtimes. 

For many children, having certain foods on their plates creates pressure for them to eat those foods. 

Similarly, parents may be more inclined to pressure a child to eat what they’ve already plated for them. 

A more respectful feeding approach is to switch up how you’re offering and plating food to your child by serving meals family style. This means you’re still deciding what you’re offering your family to eat, but instead of individually plating the food, all the food goes on the table and everyone self-serves. 

This means you’re giving your child independence to actually pick and choose what foods she wants to eat from the food you’ve made available. You can learn more about the benefits of serving meals family style here: “How Family Style Dining Makes Feeding Kids Easier at Mealtime”

If you don’t yet feel comfortable serving meals family style, consider your approach to serving food on your child’s plate. You can still serve food respectfully by asking your child whether or not they would like you to put a certain food on their plate and where on their plate they would like you to put it. This simple reframe can help empower your child and decrease any pressure or stress they may feel at mealtimes. 

3. Offer new foods without pressure to eat tactics: 

To piggyback on the first two points, you want to continue offering new foods and opportunities for your child to interact with foods they may not yet be comfortable eating. 

Sometimes, parents misinterpret this idea of not creating any pressure to eat to mean you need to stop offering foods your child doesn’t like or want to eat. 

You want to offer your child repeated opportunities to engage with these foods without pressuring them to eat. 

Remember - your kids are LEARNING how to eat, and for kids to develop any skill, they need multiple opportunities to try. So the bottom line is to keep offering without pressuring them to eat. 

Kids need multiple exposures to new foods in order to feel more confident and comfortable in trying them. Your child may need to interact with a food multiple times and ways before even considering trying it. So don’t give up and don’t stop trying. 

The key is NOT pressuring them in the process. You can learn more about this here: “Child Won't Try New Foods? Here's Why Food Exposure Matters”

4. Honor your child’s food preference and appetite: 

A big part of respectful feeding is  to honor your child’s appetite and food preferences. 

This may mean accepting food refusals at mealtimes or making peace with the foods your child may decide to eat from what you’ve made available. 

This can often be the most challenging area for parents, because it means laying down your own expectations about how much or which foods your child should eat in order to create space for them to listen to their bodies and eat what feels best for them. 

What your child decides to eat or not eat may look strikingly different from what you expect of them, and that is OKAY. Be aware of what’s coming up for you when you see your child eating differently than you think they should eat. 

Accepting food refusals and how your child eats is an essential part of building trust and helping your children learn they can be trusted as the best expert of their bodies. 

Keep in mind that any given meal can’t be taken as a snapshot of a child’s nutritional intake. An inability to trust your child with eating often stems from worries about a child’s nutritional intake. Just remember, kids are more likely to get what they need to support their bodies’ nutritional needs over the course of time (think weeks and months), not in one day, and certainly not in one meal. 

5. Focus on togetherness and enjoyment: 

Respectful feeding sets the stage for more positive family mealtime practices. 

When you’re not worried about micromanaging your child’s plate and food intake, you’re more likely to have the mental capacity to focus on engaging with your kids in a positive way. 

Meal times should be enjoyable, a time to come together and connect with each other. 

To help facilitate this, be sure to engage in mealtime discussions that aren’t about the food. Talk to your kids about anything BUT the food or how they’re eating. Avoid comments on what or how much anyone else at the table is eating or applying any verbal/non-verbal cues to eat more. When mealtimes feels safe and meaningful, your child will be more willing to participate in mealtimes and can enjoy food and eating. 

A natural outcome of this is children being able to eat enough over time to help them grow and develop. 

Handling Other Caregivers Who Pressure to Eat

What about when other people ask your child to take a bite of something they made?

Many parents commonly find other caregivers or adults policing their children’s food intake or pressuring them to eat, and this can be frustrating. 

You might hear a well-meaning caregiver or family member say things along the lines of: 

• “It’s so good for you, you should try it!”

• “I worked so hard to cook this for you, will you try just one bite?”

• “This will make you big and strong, you should eat it!” 

Again, even while these comments are well-intentioned, they can inevitably create unnecessary pressure for your kids at mealtimes - the one thing you’re hoping to avoid. Remember: your child being compliant with trying food to appease another adult is NOT respectful feeding and ultimately, not a sign of politeness. Support your child’s autonomy by advocating for them when necessary. Simple phrases can go a long way, like saying things like: “We don’t force him to eat. He’s able to eat what he wants from the foods we offer him.”, or, “She can try some if she wants but she doesn’t have to eat it if she doesn’t want to. It’s her choice.”

You can also help your kids learn how to politely decline food when they don’t want to eat what’s being offered. Remind them they don’t need to eat to appease anyone and compromise their autonomy and body trust. Just you reinforcing this and teaching them this will help prepare them for situations where they may encounter adults who pressure them to eat. 

Checking in With Yourself Through the Journey

Just as eating is a skill kids are developing, so is learning how to feed our children and nurture a positive relationship with food. 

Many parents may discover along this journey that certain feeding situations with their kids trigger anxiety or stress for them. If this is the case for you, it’s important to pay attention to what’s coming up for you when you’re feeding your kids. 

Does it make you feel anxious when your child refuses to eat? Do you feel stressed if you don’t see your child eat any vegetables? Do you have underlying fears and concerns about your child’s health or growth? 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, that’s OKAY! It’s a sign you really care about and love your children - you just want the best for them. 

Awareness of your own underlying anxiety and food fears is also helpful to discern if there are areas you may need to work through for yourself. Feeding children can often bring unresolved issues around food and body image right to the surface. Please know you’re not alone. There’s absolutely hope for you to enjoy food freedom as a family. For more support on this topic, be sure to check out this post here: “How to Raise a Confident Child by Healing Your Relationship With Food”

As you go through your journey, keep these main points in mind:

The end goal of mealtimes is not to get your child to eat. It's about connecting with your child through positive mealtime experiences. 

At the end of the day, it’s not your job to get your child to eat or try bites of their food but to help them build positive associations with food.