My Child Will Only Eat Certain Foods at Meals: What Should I Do?
“My kids only ate the _________ on their plates and want more of it. Should I give them more even if they haven’t touched the other foods on their plate?”
It’s the all too common scenario: you’ve made the effort to plan out a meal that includes a nice balance of nutrients for your little one. Protein, carbohydrates, healthy fats, and some kind of produce. The gang’s all here and included for the family meal. Only, there’s one problem. When it comes time to actually eat the meal you’ve made and served the family, your child may not choose to eat foods in such a balanced way.
In fact, the majority of kids WON’T eat in a way that we would expect or even hope for them to eat. What’s actually more common is to see kids gravitate toward one specific food or food group from their meal. While some kids may move among the various foods on their plates, some kids may stick with eating one one preferred food from the meal provided.
While this behavior can actually be normal, this can be a stressor and concern for many parents.
What if my child only eats the carbs from their plate and nothing else?
What if my child only eats the fruit and doesn’t touch the protein?
Should I still serve them more of what they want if they haven’t eaten the rest of the food?
If you’re wondering about these very questions when it comes to feeding your own children, please know you’re not alone.
Let me share a little more about normal and expected eating behaviors, so you can be empowered to support your child in building a healthy relationship with food.
What is Normal Eating in Kids?
First, let’s talk about what normal eating actually looks like in children?
As parents, it’s easy to come into feeding our kids with a certain expectation on how things should go.
A common expectation many parents have is that they’ll serve their kids a variety of food options, and their children will then happily comply by eating a nice array of all the food groups, including protein, carbs, and vegetables at any given meal time.
In reality, many kids don’t tend to eat in a “balanced” way. You know why?
Kids are so innately connected to their bodies’ programming and are naturally going to self-regulate and eat the foods their bodies may be needing in that particular moment. This is NORMAL. In fact, if your children eat in this manner, this is likely a positive sign they’re closely connected with their signals of hunger, fullness, and able to follow appetite and satiety to guide how much they eat.
The problem may begin when there is a drastic difference between parents’ expectations of how they think their children should be eating compared to the reality of how their kids are actually eating. You see, when kids aren’t living up to our eating expectations, whatever they might, this can become a breeding ground for power struggles at meal times.
Challenging the Concept of Balanced Eating
Kids are going to eat in a way that feels best in their bodies, not according to an arbitrary standard of balance. Sometimes, it can be helpful to zoom out to see the big picture of how your children are eating over time. As parents, we tend to hyperfocus when it comes to food and eating. We might put our children’s food choices under the microscope at mealtimes to check off the boxes in our own mental checklists. And if you do this, it’s because you CARE. I know you want to raise a healthy child who has a positive relationship with food.
One important thing to remember is that a child’s intake will vary from meal to meal, including food choices and quantities. Meaning, the amount of food your kids eat and the types of food they gravitate toward at mealtimes will vary from one meal to the next. This is common and expected! So instead of hyperfocusing on one particular meal as a snapshot o f their nutrition intake, it’s more helpful to see how they’re eating over the course of time. We’re talking weeks and months here.
When parents are able to focus on their jobs with feeding and trust their kids to do their parts with eating, we see that health, growth and nutrition tends to go better. What we see is that kids tend to get what they need nutritionally over the course of days and weeks, not in one meal, and in this way, they’re able to best support their individual growth and development.
Understanding this big picture concept can help you relax at mealtimes and allow your child to choose to eat what they want from the foods you have provided.
Letting Go of Your Expectations to Support Your Child’s Eating
So for all practical purposes, how might this unfold at mealtimes or the family dinner table?
Here’s one of the most common scenarios I see happening with the families I work with (and just a friendly reminder - this is not about shaming ANY parents or families who are doing the best they can. Instead, this is about bringing awareness to a common situation to help you find more effective ways to bring harmony into your home):
For example, let’s say you serve a chicken stir fry with dinner, and include a side of rice, fresh fruit and milk to drink.
And let’s say you plate your child a small amount of each of these foods you’ve prepared for the family meal. And let’s pretend your child is most excited about the fresh fruit and gobbles it all up without touching anything else on her plate. She asks for more: “More fruit!”, “More fruit!” You may be concerned your child hasn’t eaten anything else on her plate. Doesn’t she need more protein? Shouldn’t she at least drink some milk? The doubts may begin to creep in. And this is where I see parents begin to pressure their children to eat other things on their plate - not from ill-intent, but from a place of worry.
So in this scenario, you might ask your child to try other bites of food on her plate before she can have more fruit. You might tell her she needs to eat a bite of chicken or vegetables first, or drink some of her milk. And while this approach comes from a place of GOOD intention, the problems can start when we swerve out of our lane and try to do our kids’ eating jobs for them. We might try to rectify their eating in a manner that feels more comfortable for us, BUT this can make eating much more complicated for your kiddos. Pressuring your child to eat in any way and for any reason can be a trigger for power struggles at mealtimes.
Pressure to eat can look like:
Asking your child to eat more food
Asking your child to eat specific foods
Requiring your child to take a certain number of bites
Rewarding your child for eating certain foods or amounts
Encouraging your child to eat
Persuading your child to try something on their plate
When parents pressure a child to eat other foods or in a more “balanced” way, it tends to backfire and create more pressure/stress for parents and kids alike. Research has actually found that pressure-to-eat feeding tactics can result in higher pickiness in children and interfere with a child’s ability to self-regulate their intake.
When we pressure our kids to eat certain foods in the name of “balanced” eating, we are sending them the message that we know more about their bodies than they do. This can plant seeds of distrust in their minds toward their own bodies. It comes down to this simple mantra: “Parents provide, child decides” - meaning, you are in charge of what foods you’re providing for your child, and your child is in charge of deciding what foods she wants to eat from the foods you’ve provided. And if that looks like selecting only one food or food group from the meal, that’s okay! Positive food parenting is built on unconditional trust in your children’s ability to eat what they need to grow and flourish at a rate that is right for them.
The other issue about pressuring your kids to eat or try other foods on their plates is how this approach actually creates aversions to the very foods you’re trying to get them to eat. Whenever kids feel pressure to eat, they’re more likely to shut-down and build resistance towards those foods. This, in turn, can look like resentment toward you AND the food. Some kids may overeat other foods on their plates they didn’t want in the first place in order to get to the foods they really wanted to eat. You can see how this approach puts kids out of touch with their bodies and their innate abilities to self-regulate. When the pressure is off completely and kids trust they have accepted foods at mealtimes they can eat and enjoy, whatever it might be, they’re more likely to be willing to interact and try other foods served at mealtimes.
So if you have a child who is only eating one food at mealtimes and wants MORE of it (whether it’s fruit, bread, pasta, etc) without eating other foods, what’s the best way to respond?
I’ve got you covered, mama. Check out these tips below to help you navigate this situation:
1.Focus on building trust, not micromanaging your child’s plate:
The first step is to lay down your own expectations on how you think your child should be eating in order to create space for your child to explore food in a way that feels safe. This means shifting your focus from micromanaging your children’s plate to learning to trust their appetites. This approach can help decrease your anxieties and worries around food to help your child feel safe at the table. This also involves leaving any pressure to eat off the table. Building trust with your child around food means focusing on your part with feeding and allowing your kids to do their part with eating, no matter how that might look at mealtimes. You can leave the bribing, battles, and bargaining behind. When it comes to the food, this also means not withholding more of the food your child wants to eat in order to get your child to eat more of any other particular food. For more support on this, check out this blog here: “Your Child's Appetite: Why Your Kids Need You to Trust Their Intake”
2. Offer an accepted food at mealtimes:
Sometimes parents feel hesitant to include a child’s favorite or accepted food at mealtimes for fear that’s all the child will eat. However, it’s important that your child sees and identifies at least one accepted food at each meal and snack. This will help your child feel safer at mealtimes and actually open the door to your child potentially trying other foods that may not yet be accepted. Generally, you want to have an accepted food item your child can have more of if desired. The consistent practice of offering accepted foods alongside other foods your child is learning to eat without any pressure to eat is the equation for helping your child eat. Gradually, your kids will move toward interest in eating other foods when they can trust accepted foods are consistently offered and available. Keep in mind, you don’t have to serve the same accepted food at every meal; you can rotate between food options your child feels comfortable with. Also, the key here is offering accepted foods WITH meals and snacks. Providing an accepted food should happen within the context of regular meals and snacks. Sometimes when parents hear this, they think this means just give a child whatever they want whenever they want to eat it. Meal structure is important for helping your child build a positive relationship with food. Offering an accepted food within that meal structure is a supportive approach to take with your kiddos.
3. Repeated food exposures and opportunities to interact with food:
It’s easy to assume that eating is the end goal of feeding. In other words, you may feel like your child actually eating the food is the end goal, but in reality, there are many steps and ways your child may have to interact with food before actually eating it. So with that in mind, the goal is not to get your child to eat the food, but to feel comfortable interacting with a variety of foods. This helps your child build comfort and curiosity around foods she’s still learning to eat. Even if your child interacts with the food in some fashion but doesn’t eat it, that’s still a win! It’s a step toward learning to eat, and your child may need to interact with food multiple times before actually eating it. So how can you encourage food interaction without pressuring your child to eat? Ask your child to pass a plate of food over to you or to help you scoop a food on to your plate. Ask your child questions about the food, like, “What colors do you see on your plate?”, or, “What sound do you hear when I bite this food?” These are all ways your child can learn about food. Remember - if your child interacts with other foods at the table while only eating one food - that’s great! For more help with this, check out this blog: “Child Won't Try New Foods? Here's Why Food Exposure Matters”.
4. Be aware of language at mealtimes:
I’ve talked a lot about avoiding pressure at mealtimes. One way pressure can come out is through verbal cues. In other words, you might catch yourself saying something to your children in effort to get them to eat other foods on their plates, especially if you notice them gravitating toward one particular food at mealtimes. Comments like, “You can’t just eat fruit for dinner”, “You need protein!”, or “Just try a bite, you might like it!” etc. are all comments that can inadvertently create pressure at mealtimes. Instead, I encourage parents to keep language neutral at mealtimes. Avoid saying anything - either in a negative or positive way - about the food or how your child may be eating. In fact, I advise parents to avoid having any conversation about the food whatsoever. This will help you focus on connecting with your child, which is more important than nutrition or the actual food your child may be eating. If you’re dealing with picky eating and unsure how to communicate with you child, be sure to read this post here for more support: “Picky Eater: How to Talk With Your Child Dealing With Picky Eating”
5. Consider family style meals:
Offering food family style is where you allow your kids and other family members to self-serve from the foods you’ve provided. The benefit of this is that it allows your child to self-serve the foods she may want to eat at mealtime and avoids any unnecessary pressure by plating food for her. In addition, it can help parents relax too. When you don’t see the food you’ve plated for your kids, you may feel less inclined to pressure them to eat that food. If you’re interested in learning more about this approach, check out this post here: “How Family Style Dining Makes Feeding Kids Easier at Mealtime” In the event you don’t want to do family style meals, consider asking your kids what they’d like you to put on their plates before serving. Also, consider starting with smaller portions to make it less overwhelming for your child, especially if you have a pickier eater.
What if Your Child Wants More of a Limited Food?
There are inevitably situations in which your child may want more of a food that you have a limited quantity of, like certain kinds of fruit, for example. In situations where there’s a limited quantity to go around to everyone, I might divide it out so there’s no arguing or it.
My kids LOVE any kind of berry - blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, you name it - they’ll eat it. In this case, there is a more limited quantity to go around - especially when all the kids want some. I encourage using language that doesn’t feel restrictive to help your kids in this situation.
For example, you might say, “We’re having strawberries with dinner tonight. Who would like some?” And then you can divide them out among the family members that want some. In the case you only have a limited quantity, you could tell your kids something along the lines of, “These are all the strawberries we’re having tonight, but there’s other food on the table if you’re still hungry. I’ll get some more berries next time I go to the store.”
With this language, you’re reassuring your child that more of that food will be available in the future. You’re also reminding them that other foods are also offered and available to eat if they’re still hungry after eating strawberries. You can tailor this language to whatever specific situation you may be encountering with your children. This is why I also like to include other accepted foods at mealtimes, where a child could get more helpings if desired, like bread, rice, pasta, etc.
When to Be Concerned About Selective Eating Choices
In certain situations, you might be concerned to see your child only gravitating toward selective foods at mealtimes.
Here are some situations that may warrant additional help and professional support:
Extreme Picky Eating: If your child appears fearful or anxious at mealtimes or is unable to conserve with others. Food selection is extremely limited, stress around food choices.
Growth disruptions: If your child isn’t meeting growth and developmental milestones
Poor function and mood: If your child appears to have low energy and mood
Unresolved medical/behavior issues: Some underlying medical and/or behavioral issues may make it challenging for some children to eat
In some situations, a child may have a more difficult time eating, and it’s crucial not to ignore these challenges. Supporting your child in addressing any underlying issues that may make eating more challenging are important for healing and building positive associations with food. Please connect with me today if you’re needing more support or guidance around feeding your child. As a child feeding specialist, I would love to help you and your family on your feeding journey.
If at any point, something doesn’t seem right to you, please connect to professional support right away. You can trust your intuition and don’t need to navigate these situations alone.
At the end of the day, remember that feeding and raising children is a marathon, not a sprint. Raising an adventurous eater who has a positive relationship with food is a process that takes consistency and patience. Give yourself and your child loads of grace along the way - you’re doing great!
