Picky Eater: How to Talk With Your Child Dealing With Picky Eating
If you’re dealing with picky eating in your home, you’re also likely facing frustration, worry, and anxiousness about your child’s health, growth, and nutrition. And if this wasn’t enough, you’re likely bearing the brunt of food policing and comments about your picky eater, from outside family members, friends, and even healthy progressions.
Picky eating is no joke. As a mother of a selective eater and a dietitian who’s helped families through this, I understand the havoc that picky eating can have on a family and during mealtimes.
It was really going through the experience of selective eating with one of my daughters that gave me a whole new perspective on picky eating.
My 8-year-old was a very selective eater as a toddler. She was sensitive to many different textures and flavors, and there were only a handful of foods she’d comfortably eat. As a mom, this was concerning to say the least. But I knew I had to be respectful of where she was and help her feel safe exploring food at a pace that was right for her.
She had to see and interact with challenging foods MULTIPLE times and ways before she felt comfortable eating them. I mean, this process took MONTHS (even YEARS with some foods) with repeated exposures to foods over time, both during meals and outside mealtimes, without any pressure for her to eat those foods.
If I would’ve pressured her to eat these foods before she was ready, I could’ve made the process even harder for both of us.Often, the hardest part is being patient with our kids through the learning process. Sometimes, we just want to rush them through it to get to the end result: EAT THE FOOD.
This is where I see parents tend to interject comments or offer verbal cues in effort to persuade their kids to eat.
But when getting your children to eat becomes the goal of feeding your kids, you’re running the risk of creating negative associations with food. This is just going to make it harder for them to eat.
Sometimes, our own expectations of what we think our children should be capable of doing (or eating) creates the biggest challenges for our children to learn at a pace right for them.
I know this process can be frustrating. From a mom who’s been there and gets it, I just want to encourage you: don’t give up. Remember - eating is a skill your kids are developing.
Like any new skill, it takes time, patience and repetitions to be able to learn and build confidence.
There are actually multiple steps that need to happen in order for a child to build confidence and comfortability with eating. → This is NORMAL. Respecting your kids’ paces can help them build a positive relationship with food.
A big part of respecting your picky eater and creating a safe environment for your child to learn about food is to be intentional about the language you’re using, especially at mealtimes.
When it gets frustrating feeding your child, especially one dealing with picky eating, it can be easy to apply verbal pressure in effort to get your kiddo to eat.
Verbal pressure can come in the form of persuasive, even encouraging comments, meant to create a specific outcome, like getting your child to eat, eat specific foods or certain amounts of food. Unfortunately, this often creates more harm than good.
Let me explain.
Why Language Can Influence Your Picky Eater
When I was dealing with my toddler being a picky eater was also the same time I was studying to become a dietitian. So naturally, I was immersed in learning everything I could to help my daughter.
But interestingly, I found a lot of the mainstream strategies out there didn’t seem to align with how I wanted to raise my kids. As a mother who had recovered from an eating disorder, I knew that I wanted to do everything in my power to help support my children in developing a positive relationship with food. I wanted them to grow up enjoying eating and to trust their bodies to eat, no matter how different it looked from everyone else.
What I learned with my daughter and subsequently, from the families I work with, is how influential our language can be in shaping how kids feel about food and their bodies. Especially when it comes to picky eating. Comments are often said to kids in effort to encourage them to eat, but these tactics can actually backfire or create major mealtime mishaps.
Parents and caregivers often try to use verbal communication as a way to persuade and get a child to eat. I experienced this as a kid and now as a mom raising and feeding 5 children.
While all of my children have received comments about how they eat (or won’t eat) from well-meaning family members and friends, my daughter dealing with picky eating definitely seemed to get the brunt of comments about her eating behaviors.
The truth is, making comments about how kids eat or feeling the need to micromanage their food intake might feel like a responsibility, like something that needs to happen to ensure kids are eating, especially pickier eaters. Even more so when a child doesn’t like what food has been served or they just aren’t interested in eating at that particular time.
Persuading a Child to Eat is Pressure
Let’s take a look at some specific examples of well-meaning comments often said to children dealing with picky eating.
Do any of these comments sound familiar to you?
Well meaning statements, like:
“Don’t you want to try one more bite?”
“This tastes so good, you should try it!”
“There are people starving in this world who would be so happy to have the food that’s on your plate. You shouldn’t waste it!”
“The kitchen’s going to be closed, so there’s no more food after dinner. You better eat now while you can.”
“This will make you big and strong!”
“This is so healthy for you, you should try some!”
These were all things I grew up hearing around food, which are commonly repeated and recycled to kids today.
All of these are usually said in effort to get a child to eat. When we dig a little deeper, we can sometimes find these things are said out of a place of fear, anxiety, worry or stress.
A parent may be worried a child isn’t eating enough to meet nutritional needs. A caregiver might feel stressed about their children’s body sizes or scared they’re not eating enough of the “right” foods to stay healthy. A parent might feel anxious about comments others have said about their kids and take it upon themselves to try to get their children to eat. A parent can also be influenced by experiences that have created feelings of scarcity around food, including poverty or a history of food scarcity.
Many things may cause us to feed our kids from a place of fear.
The thing is, fearful feeding practices can actually make food a lot harder for our kiddos.
Studies show that when kids feel pressured to eat (whether that is from verbal or non-verbal cues, or negative and/or positive pressure), they’re more likely to grow aversions to food, have increased pickiness or may actually end up eating less over time.
Not to mention, worrying about your child’s intake and subsequently pressuring them to eat (to help quell your own fears) tends to make mealtimes much more stressful and difficult for everyone.
I mean, have you tried getting a strong-willed child to eat something she didn’t want to eat? Or trying to get a child to eat after he was full? Yeah, it’s called a power struggle, and it’s not fun. It makes mealtimes feel equivalent to getting your kids to put their shoes on so you can get out the door to someplace you’re already late for. Blah.
Let me give a little bit of encouragement here, from a mom who’s been there and GETS IT. Your kids don’t need your persuasion. Nor do they need pressure in the hidden form of mealtime comments.
They just need you to trust them to eat from the foods you’ve provided.
They need you to back off the comments and to try to enjoy their company at mealtimes. (I know that last part can be a bit of a stretch, but hear me out). They need to feel safe at mealtimes in order to be willing to explore food at a pace that works for them, not according to our own hidden agendas.
Trying to persuade a kid to eat is a form of pressure.
And when kids feel pressured to eat, they’re more likely to clam up, resist eating, and engage in a power struggle with you that starts a vicious cycle.
Focus on the Big Picture Goals When Feeding Picky Eaters
In order to help your child who may be dealing with picky eating, it’s important to take a step back and take an honest look at your language around mealtime.
What are your tendencies when it comes to your kids eating? Do you feel inclined to comment on how they’re eating? Do you feel it’s necessary to micromanage their plates or to try to get them to eat a certain amount of food, or certain types of foods from what you’ve offered? Have you responded with any of the above comments?
If so, please know you’re not alone.
None of this is meant to create shame, simply awareness.
Because we tend to repeat what we learned and experienced as a child. But what I want you to see here is that there are better ways to help your child feel confident and comfortable with food and mealtimes. You don’t have to police your child’s food or try to get them to eat. Starting with your language can make a switch to create more positive mealtime experiences for your child that support them in learning about food at a pace right for them.
So what should you say when you feel the need to comment on how your child’s eating or say something to persuade them to eat?
Nothing.
My golden rule when it comes to feeding kids is this: Serve food in silence.
I don’t mean you shouldn’t converse with your kids at mealtimes. PLEASE, talk all you want about anything you want. EXCEPT the food or how your child’s eating.
Those things are banned from mealtime conversations. Talk to your child about anything BUT the food and eating. Instead, focus on connecting with your kids, building relationships and keeping the mealtime experience positive.
If you feel the need to comment on how your child’s eating, especially if you’re dealing with picky eating, offer neutral questions that encourage your child to interact with food in a way that feels safe to them. Questions are the best way to help your child self-reflect and pay attention to his own body.
This could be questions like:
-What colors do you see on your plate?
-What sounds do you hear when I eat this?
-What shapes can you make with this food?
-How does your tummy feel when you eat this food?
-Is your tummy full now, or does your tummy need more food?
You can learn more about this here: “Child Won't Try New Foods? Here's Why Food Exposure Matters.”
What to Say to Your Picky Eater at Mealtimes
There are other strategic things you can say to your child to intentionally help remove any pressure they may be feeling at the table, in order to create a safe environment for them to learn about food and what feels best in there bodies:
Here are some effective statements to say to your picky eater:
You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to
There’s other things on the table for you to choose if you’re hungry
We’re going to eat again soon, so you can eat then if you’re hungry
You can listen to your body
You can trust what your tummy is telling you.
Eating is a skill your kids are developing. In order for them to learn and to trust their bodies, they need to have positive and safe mealtime experiences. If a child feels pressured to eat in any way (all of these verbal cues create pressure for a child to eat, whether intentionally or not), this is going to prevent them from building confidence with food and their bodies.
Should I Teach My Child About Health and Nutrition?
Many comments toward picky eaters tend to revolve around how certain foods can make them “healthy” and “strong”; therefore, should be eaten.
But here’s the thing.
Health and nutrition concepts are abstract to children, yet we tend to talk with them about food like they understand the nuances of what we’re saying.
When we say things like, “This is so healthy for you, you should eat it!”, kids can’t really process the complexities of what this means.
Children don’t choose foods based on calories, nutrition content, or any other “health” related reasons.
Remember your kids are programmed with an innate sense of hunger and fullness, which helps them self-regulate the foods they need to grow at a rate best for them. This means you don’t have to try to tell them or teach them about which foods they should be eating. They already have the best internal compass to guide them with food choices.
The best way you can help support their innate self-regulating abilities is to continue offering a variety of foods, have frequent family meals, and don’t pressure them to eat anything they’re not ready for (either with verbal or non-verbal cues, like what we described above).
Often, the pressure to educate or discuss nutrition or health-related matters with children comes from the misinformation about health that’s out there.
There’s so much overwhelming information about health, and parents often feel it’s their “duty” to talk to kids about food in these terms. But it’s important to understand how our children’s brains work.
They are programmed to listen to their bodies, and this kind of “health” information about food usually only makes eating chaotic and confusing for them. It creates a conflict between trusting their bodies for food choices (internal self-regulation) or listening to outside food rules (external regulators). In order to support your kids in developing a healthy relationship with food, you want to help them learn it’s safe to trust and listen to their own bodies, rather than formulate rules around food.
Sometimes the desire to teach a child about nutrition concepts stems from fears a parent may have about their child’s overall health. Especially if you’re dealing with picky eating, you might be worried if your child is getting enough nutrients to support overall growth and development.
What we tend to see with picky eaters is that most are often doing much better than their caregivers might anticipate. For more about this, be sure to check out this post here: “Hiding Veggies in Food For Toddlers? How to Help Your Picky Eater Eat.”
However, if you’re concerned about your child’s health or growth, definitely be sure to connect with a professional, like your pediatrician or registered dietitian who specializes in child feeding.
Focusing on Your Jobs With Feeding, Trust Your Kids With Eating
While there are undoubtedly many concerns related to picky eating, be sure to keep your eye on the big picture in order to create a safe space for your child to learn about and explore food.
A crucial part of this involves letting go of your expectations and laying down your own hidden agenda in order to let your kids do what they need to do to learn about food and grow at a pace right for them.
What does this mean exactly?
Hidden agendas are secret wishes you may have for your children that aren’t usually spoken directly. Hidden agendas tend to come out in our behaviors and interactions with our kids.
I tend to see this directly in how parents feed their children.
For one, we are largely influenced by diet culture propaganda and an overwhelming amount of “health” information that dictates how we should or shouldn’t feed our children, or what they should or shouldn’t be eating.
All of this can influence a “hidden agenda” when it comes to feeding kids.
For example, you may feel your child should eat specific foods or certain amounts of food. Maybe you feel it’s your job to control your child’s body size or the outcome of their growth?
Whatever it might be, take an honest look at what it is and where it may be coming from. These hidden agendas are where unhelpful feeding tactics and comments around food tend to stem from.
Are you able to surrender your own hidden agenda to help your child do what he needs to with food? Are you able to examine where your own feeding fears may be stemming from in order to help your child feel safe with exploring food on her terms?
This is where it can be powerful to look at your own relationship with food and your body and to understand how your past experiences may be influencing your feeding relationship with your child.
Because at the end of the day, what your kids need is trust and security around food, as well as patience from you to learn about food on their timelines, not yours.
How exactly can you approach this on a practical basis, especially if you’re dealing with picky eating?
In any relationship, there are responsibilities for both parties involved. A feeding relationship between you and your child is no different.
It comes down to understanding what your jobs are when it comes to feeding your kids, which are deciding:
What you’re going to serve and offer at mealtimes and snacks
When you’re going to offer meals and snacks
Where you’re going to serve the food (at the table, kitchen counter, etc?)
Focusing on fulfilling your feeding jobs is one part of this equation.
The second part is equally as important, and that is TRUSTING your children to do their parts with eating.
This means, your children are responsible for:
Deciding whether or not they want to eat from the food you’ve provided at meal and snack times, and
Deciding HOW MUCH they want to eat from the food provided
This is especially true when you’re dealing with picky eating.
Your children don’t need you to do their eating jobs for them or try to micromanage what or how much they’re eating. They can be trusted to eat, even if the foods or amounts of food they eat look different from what you think they should be eating. Even a picky eater has the ability to self-regulate what is needed to grow at a rate best for him or her. Your child’s innate body cues are largely guiding their food choices.
So yes, changing your approach to language around food is a key component. What’s even more foundational is the feeding relationship you have with your child and your overall approach to food.
If you’re interested in learning more about this, be sure to check out this post here: “The Feeding Relationship: How to Build Trust With Your Child Around Food.”
How to Approach Family Members Who Comment About Picky Eating
One of the most difficult things about picky eating is dealing with outside comments from individuals who think they know best about how much your child needs to eat or the foods that should be eaten.
And yes, while these comments are usually well-intentioned, they completely undermine the work you’re trying to do with your child and the safe environment you’re creating to help your child explore food.
While you may be coming to terms with your child’s picky eating, you’re likely going to encounter others who haven’t or just think it’s their responsibility to “help” - unbeknownst to them that food comments are more harmful than helpful.
As I alluded to earlier, many of these approaches to feeding kids and picky eating aren’t mainstream, nor do outsiders tend to understand what you may be doing.
I got so much unsolicited advice about my daughter when she was going through her extreme picky eating phase, and I’m a dietitian! More importantly, I’m a mom, and as parents, you can trust your intuition AND your child, especially when it comes to food and eating.
How can you deal with those backhanded comments about how your child eats? Remember to focus on the big picture: you want to help your kids feel safe exploring food without any outside pressure, which can negatively impact their relationship with food.
So when someone questions you or your kids about their eating habits, don’t be afraid to interject.
My go to comeback has been to politely share how my child is learning to eat.
For example, if someone says something of the sort to your child:
“You should try this, it’s so good for you!”
“Don’t you need to eat more, you hardly touched your food!”
“You’re missing out of this - it’s so healthy for you!”
...try retorting with something along the lines of:
“Thank you for your concern. He’s doing just fine learning to eat on his own terms.”
OR:
“She’s enjoying learning about what foods feel best in her body. Do you know what else she’s enjoying now, too?”
And then change the subject. :) Or talk about other things your child is interested in that aren’t food related.
Your child doesn't’ have to be the focus on food related conversations. And by supporting your kids in this way, you’re also protecting safe spaces for them to learn about food on their terms.
Getting Support For Your Feeding Journey
I hope this is helpful for you on your feeding journey. As a mom who’s been there, I understand how challenging this can be, and I want you to know you’re not alone. Please feel free to leave any questions you may have in the comments below.
I’m also going to be hosting a virtual workshop all about picky eating, so if you’re interested in more support and guidance in this area, be sure to add your email address to the waitlist below to get all the details as soon as they become available.
You’re doing a wonderful job - hang in there.
You’ve got this, mama!