Your Child’s Appetite: Why Your Kids Need You to Trust Their Intake
If there’s anything raising and feeding 5 children has taught me, it’s that kids have a wide range of appetites and that their appetites are constantly changing. From eating little to nothing at mealtimes to eating us out of house and home in one sitting, I’ve seen it all. And you know what? It’s all normal.
Kids eating patterns and appetites can be erratic and unpredictable - this is normal! But I don’t think we talk about this enough. So for many parents, it can feel quite alarming when a child doesn’t eat much at mealtimes.
Similarly, it can be stressful to see a child eat a large volume of food. All the while, changing appetites in kids can leave any parent feeling anxious and confused. So what gives? And why is it important to trust your child’s appetite?
Here’s the thing: our kids are growing, which means their bodies are constantly changing.
The cool thing is that their appetites are adjusting with their growing bodies, helping them get what they need to meet their needs, no matter what phase of childhood they may be in.
The reality is that your child’s appetite is expected to change over the course of time, even in the course of a single day. Some of the factors that may influence your children’s appetites may include things like:
Their overall growth rates
Activity levels and movement
Sleep
Developmental stages, and more
So if appetite fluctuations are normal and expected in children, why might parents feel the need to override a child’s appetite or try to control his or her food intake at any given meal?
Why it May Be Hard to Trust Your Child’s Appetite
There are a variety of reasons that may make it challenging to fully trust a child’s food intake and appetite. In many cases, challenges stem from parental concerns about their child’s overall health and wellness.
Are they getting enough to eat? Are they eating too much?
Often we try to course correct, or get them to eat an amount that seems suitable to us, but we’re not living in our children’s bodies - they are the best experts of their bodies. When we try to influence or override their appetites, either by trying to get them to eat more or less, these behaviors can backfire.
While it may be unintentional, it’s easy to try to subtly pressure a child to eat more if you’re worried she’s not eating enough at any given meal. Similarly, it’s easy to have the tendency to restrict or limit a child from certain foods or servings of food if you’re worried about him eating too much.
But if we zoom out to see the big picture, trying to influence our child’s appetite can negatively affect them over time.
Research has found that parents’ use of restrictive feeding practices is counterproductive, increasing children’s intake of restricted foods and risk for excessive weight gain. On the flip side of things, studies have also observed negative effects of “pressure-to-eat” tactics with kids.
Pressure to eat is a practice parents may use to encourage or cajole their child to eat enough food or an intake of certain foods. However, these approaches to feeding kids have been associated with an overall lower body mass index (BMI) and lower energy intake in children. Studies have also found that when children feel pressured to eat, they’re less likely to want to eat fruits and vegetables and may have an increased risk for picky eating and disordered eating.
Feeding tactics, like pressuring a child to eat more, or restricting their overall intake to eat less, can hinder a child’s ability to self-regulate energy intake, which could potentially promote overeating.
Again, these consequences can be unintended, and parents attempting to “correct” their child’s intake and appetite are typically done so out of fear.
These appetite concerns often tend to surface during certain seasons and phases of growth. For example, it’s common to see pressure-to-eat feeding tactics with younger children, especially around the age of toddler/preschool age. Why?
It’s common for growth to slow during this time, and as a result, kids may be eating less than what parents are used to seeing. Another season of childhood where appetite changes are likely to occur is during pre-puberty, preadolescence, we may see rapid body changes.
Many parents and/or pediatricians may sound the alarm and urge eating less or even recommend dieting. However, your child is likely preparing for puberty and a growth spurt, and pre-adolescents may experience weight gain during this time as a result of this.
Interestingly, concern about children’s appetites also seem to be correlated with particular body sizes. For example, parents are more likely to be concerned about whether or not a child is eating enough if the child is in a smaller body. If a child in a smaller body eats a small amount (or generally has a smaller appetite), this can increase pressure on parents and caregivers to pressure the child to eat more.
On the other hand, parents of a child in a larger body with a bigger appetite may be more inclined to restrict the child’s intake, limit certain types of foods, or prevent the child from eating as much as desired.
Now, with all this said, I understand how difficult and challenging it can be to trust your child’s appetite - ESPECIALLY if your child is in a smaller or larger body, and especially if you have a child that tends to eat very little at meals or large volumes of food that may even seem abnormal for a child.
All of this can make it incredibly difficult to feel as though you can confidently trust your child’s appetite, and for multiple reasons, including:
Conflicting information about what is supposedly “healthy” for a child
Outside pressure for a child to lose or gain more weight than their current body size
Comments from well-meaning family, friends or professionals about your child’s body size and/or appetite
Bullying around your child’s body size and/or appetite
Parental history of bullying around body size and/or appetite (meaning, you’ve experienced this for yourself in the past)
Predominate diet culture that emphasizes and elevates certain body sizes and food behaviors
Concern around health issues; medical history that has influenced eating behaviors (ex: if your child had difficulties eating as a baby due to medical complications, this may lead to fear around your child eating enough as she gets older)
There’s so many obstacles that can certainly make it easier said than done to trust your child’s appetite and food intake. I know how challenging this can be, especially in our society and culture today.
However, the alternative: trying to manipulate your child’s appetite and food intake to be more in accordance with what you’d prefer or what you feel comfortable with can come with some serious consequences to your child. Not to mention, this can create power struggles between you and your child during mealtimes, making food much more stressful for everyone in your family.
5 Reasons Why Your Kids Need You to Trust Their Appetites
Here are a few reasons why your children need you to trust their appetites and food intake:
Kids are the best experts of what their bodies need:
At the end of the day, the only person living in your child’s body is your child.
As much as we think we know best when it comes to the amount of food our child needs, only your child is that best source of information.
Your child is programmed with the ability to self-regulate an amount of food appropriate for his growth and development.
No matter how it may seem on the outside, your kids can eat what they need from the foods you’ve provided to best support their individual bodies
2. You’re teaching them how to honor their bodies:
When you allow your child to eat without any outside interference or regulation on your part, you’re communicating with your child that you trust her to listen to and honor her body.
The importance of this can’t be overstated in terms of helping your child build confidence in herself and in developing a peaceful relationship with food and her body.
When we interfere with or override a child’s eating signals (hunger and fullness cues), this communicates the message that her body can’t be trusted.
Children can internalize these messages, building distrust in themselves over time. Trusting them to self-regulate what they need helps them learn how to honor their bodies.
3. You’re building a trusting feeding relationship:
When you focus on doing your jobs with feeding and trust your child to do his part with eating, you’re establishing and building trust between yourself and your child.
Feeding is an extension of your parenting, and in order for your child to build healthy eating habits, he needs to have a trusting feeding relationship with you.
4. Decreased risk of disordered eating:
As mentioned earlier, trying to manipulate or regulate your child’s appetite and food intake through pressure to eat feeding tactics or restrictive feeding can increase your child’s risk of disordered eating, especially over the long-term. Remember - feeding kids is a long-term game: you’re in for the marathon, not the sprint.
So in any given mealtime, it might seem like you’re helping your child by course “correcting” her food intake, these types of feeding tactics can make it harder for your child to self-regulate and trust her intake over time, thereby increasing risk of disordered eating.
When you trust your child’s appetite, you’re effectively lowering her risk of disordered eating by allowing her to self-regulate what she needs and to trust her body’s hunger and fullness cues.
5. Support your child’s natural growth:
When you trust your children’s appetites, you’re supporting them in growing at the rate and into the body best for them.
So often, an underlying fear around a child’s food intake has to do with how his body size may turn out.
Part of effective food parenting is understanding that we have little control over the outcomes of our children’s body sizes, and making peace with this fact can help us better trust their appetites and amount of foods they need to eat to support the bodies they’re meant to grow in.
Giving your children space to grow in the bodies they’re meant to have also creates a firm foundation for your children to feel more at peace with and respectful of their bodies as they grow. For more on this, check out this post here: “This is Why You Need to Make Peace With Your Child’s Body Size”
What Does it Look Like to Trust Your Child’s Appetite?
So you’re convinced to trust your child’s appetite and not interfere with food intake. Now what?
What does it actually look like to trust your child’s appetite? When I initially have this conversation with parents, the message often gets misinterpreted.
“Does this mean I should just let my kids eat whatever they want whenever they want?”
Not exactly.
You see, your kids still need structure and boundaries around food. Within that structure, you want to give your kids the freedom to eat what they want and need to best support their appetites and growth.
This means you are in charge of providing the meals and snacks for your kids, as well as the overall timing/structure of their meal routines.
However, at any given meal or snack, once the food is served, the ball is then in your children’s court. This means, they should be given the freedom to decide: 1) Whether or not they want to eat at that scheduled meal or snack time, and 2) How much to eat from the foods provided.
At meals or snacks, trusting your child’s appetite might look like:
Allowing your child to decide whether or not to eat at that meal time
Allowing your child to decide what foods to eat from the meal provided
Not micromanaging your child’s plate at mealtimes
Not having set rules about how much your child needs to eat or how many bites of what food to eat
Not pressuring your child to eat certain foods or amounts
Refraining from offering verbal and/or nonverbal cues around how much your child is eating (You know, the “look” your child may get when they reach for seconds?)
Having foods available on the table your child is able to get more of
Allowing your child to eat until satisfied
Allowing your child to stop when full
These are all aspects that support your child in self-regulating what they need at mealtimes and building trust in themselves around food and their bodies.
How to Trust Your Child’s Appetite and Food Intake
Let’s get into the nitty gritty of this. Because as we discussed earlier, learning to trust your children’s appetite and food intake may be easier said than done.
For many parents, it’s not just about the food. There are so many other aspects involved that can feel like obstacles in the way when it comes to learning how to trust your children’s intake and to step back from micromanaging their food at mealtimes. But with some tools and systems in place, you can be well on your way to creating a foundation for your children to build a healthy and peaceful relationship with food.
Here are some ideas you can implement in your own home.
Set Up Structured meals and snacks:
I alluded to this earlier and can’t stress how important it is to have structured meals and snacks set up for your child. Many parents hear the word “structure” and cringe, especially if you’ve been cooped up with your kiddos. But structure doesn’t mean strict, inflexible or rigid. It’s simply having a rhythm and routine around meals and snacks.
This is essential to help your children trust that food is accessible throughout their day. It also helps them to better self-regulate. If kids have free rein and access to the fridge and pantry all day long, they’re not going to come to meals with an appetite to eat.
You want your child to build up an appetite and trust food is going to be available, which is exactly what a meal rhythm can establish in your home. Again, this doesn’t have to be set in stone - it can be flexible according to what you have happening in your family on any given day.
Another helpful reason for meal structures is that it establishes boundaries around food for your kids, which is healthy for them too. Boundaries are a good thing which help kids thrive. This also can help you better navigate a situation where your child may not want to eat at mealtimes.
Let’s say your child doesn’t want to eat lunch but then asks you for a snack as soon as lunch is cleaned up. With a family meal routine, this can help you defer to the next eating time, which might be snack. You can then confidently tell your child, “We just finished having lunch. We’re going to eat again when we have a snack after the park.”
When a child trusts that food is a reliable part of her future, it’s easier for her to listen to and trust her own body and appetite. For more on setting up a family meal structure, check out this blog here: “Build Healthy Habits For Kids With a Feeding Schedule”
2. Family Style Meals:
In addition to a rhythm around your family’s meals and snacks, serving meals family style can also help position you and your children in a way that supports their appetites and self-regulation.
Family style meals are simply where you offer the foods you’re serving on the table, and family members self-serve what they want from the foods provided.
One of the benefits of serving meals family style is that it shifts some of the autonomy around food and eating from you to your child, as your child takes responsibility for deciding what she wants to put on her own plate from the food provided.
Many parents I work with have a hard time letting go of this element of control, and if that’s you as well, know you’re not alone. It can be hard to not want to micromanage your child’s plate at mealtimes.
But switching up the way you serve and offer food to your kids can actually be a powerful tool for supporting their ability to self-regulate their intake and to explore food on a timeline that feels safe for them.
So often, we rush to put food on our children’s plates that we want them to eat, but this hidden agenda can actually jeopardize a child in building positive associations with food and eating.
This may also be a subtle way in which you try to control your child’s appetite, by plating their food for them. Allowing your child to self-serve seems counterintuitive, but it’s a practical way to create a safe space for your child to explore food and learn to eat an amount of food that feels right for him.
For more about this, be sure to check out this post here: “Child Won't Try New Foods? Here's Why Food Exposure Matters”
3. Build a trusting feeding relationship:
As I started discussing earlier, there are certain jobs we have as parents/caregivers when it comes to FEEDING our kids. And our kids have specific jobs when it comes to EATING.
Focusing on our jobs with feeding and allowing our children to do their parts with eating are the foundations to building a trusting relationship between parents and children.
More specifically, parents’ jobs around feeding kids include: 1) Deciding WHAT is going to be served/offered at mealtimes, 2) Deciding WHEN meals/snacks are going to be offered, and 3) Deciding WHERE meals/snacks are going to be served.
Parents need to take ownership and responsibility of these feeding responsibilities in order for children to feel safe and secure with food. Now, the second part of this equation involves the jobs that children should be responsible for when it comes to eating.
This includes, 1) Deciding whether or not they want to eat at any given meal or snack time, and 2) Deciding what and HOW MUCH to eat from the foods provided.
When parents swerve out of their lanes and try to do their child’s eating job for them when things start to go awry and the power struggles around food begin. So remember, it’s not your job to tell your child what to eat or how much to eat from the foods you’ve provided.
You can trust your child to do her part with eating as you focus on doing your part with feeding. This builds trust between you both and establishes a foundation for your child to have positive experiences around food and her body. For more on this, check out this post here: “The Feeding Relationship: How to Build Trust With Your Child Around Food”
4. Watch your language:
It’s easy to label kids based on their appetites and how they eat. Kids are often labeled things like, “picky”, a “big eater”, or “small eater”, or thrown shade for the manner in which they eat.
Statements like, “Oh she wouldn’t like that, don’t bother giving that to her”, or, “He eats like a bird, he’ll just pick on whatever you give him”, or “He’s eating us out of house and home!”
All of these statements are often said without ill-intention. Many of us were brought up hearing these comments made about ourselves, and so it might not seem any different to repeat these statements to our own kids.
Many times, these statements about how a child eats are not meant to be overheard by the child, but kids are usually within earshot of many adult conversations. The point is, labeling your child’s appetite in polarizing terms can be detrimental to your child’s ability to trust her body and appetite. Kids may grow up learning that there’s something negative associated with the way they eat.
What’s often the case is how kids internalize comments about their appetites and interpret these messages about their own self-worth. For example, if a child hears he’s a “bad” eater, he might interpret this to mean that HE is in fact a bad child for the way he eats.
Kids can hold these messages and comments about their eating behaviors and appetites for YEARS to come, carrying with them a sense of shame around the way they eat. We can nip this in the bud by dropping the labels around how our kids eat or their appetites.
Labels are unnecessary. I encourage parents to change the narrative around how kids eat to help them become more aware of their own bodies and how they feel when they eat.
For example, you can try asking your child, “How does your tummy feel? Do you need more food to help fill up your tummy?”, or, “How did your tummy feel after you ate that? What does your tummy say that it needs?”
These types of questions are self-reflective and help a child engage with his own body, rather than demeaning comments that often create shame, and cause a child to disassociate from her body.
5. Addressing your mindset, perspective and relationship with food:
I always say, both feeding kids and parenting are refining processes. Raising kids has an uncanny way of bringing unresolved issues from our past right to the surface.
But this can actually be a beautiful thing, an opportunity for healing and bettering ourselves for our families and children. This issue with learning to trust a child’s appetite is yet one of these areas where I see parental fears and anxieties surface, often triggered from past experiences.
This is where it may be helpful to reflect on the things that may have caused you to distrust your child's appetite and where the fears stem from.
Are you worried about your child's body size? Were you told you ate too much or not enough as a kid? Is it hard for you to trust your own appetite?
It's important to understand how these experiences may influence your own mindset and perspective in feeding your own kids. As parents, we often have to re-learn as adults what our kids are experiencing with food and their bodies, such as trusting our own appetites and bodies with food, or eating consistently throughout the day to stay nourished.
Many of the issues we have with micromanaging our children’s appetites are because we ourselves may have trouble regulating our intake, or we’re modeling the same regulating we had growing up.
For example, if your parents strictly micromanaged your food intake and had rules around what you should or shouldn’t eat, it’s going to be hard to do something different from this with your own kids. Hard is not bad though, it’s just important to be aware of what you’re facing and the resistance that might surface for you.
Reparenting yourself around food and your body can help shift your approach to food with your own kids. Your healing furthers their ability to build a peaceful relationship with food.
Is My Child Eating Enough Or Too Much?
Lastly, I want to wrap up by addressing a major concern many parents have, and that is: How do you know if your kids are getting enough food and/or eating an amount right for them?
Many times, it’s fear that drives a parent to override how or what their kids may be eating, and it’s important to address these underlying fears. I tend to see this in children who are in smaller bodies or who may be more selective eaters, as there’s often concern the child may not be eating enough. This can spur stress at mealtimes, especially if a parent feels her child isn’t eating enough at mealtimes.
First, if you’re having any concerns about your child’s health and/or growth, please be sure to connect with your pediatrician or a dietitian specialized in child feeding to help assess your child.
What we want to look at is the trajectory of your child’s growth to determine if her intake is adequate to support her overall growth. Growth charts can be a helpful tool to see patterns with your child’s overall growth patterns; however, these are often misinterpreted.
What’s important to look at is consistency with your child’s individual growth patterns. Generally, kids grow consistently along their individual growth trajectories. It doesn’t necessarily matter where your child is on the growth chart as is the consistency of her growth over time.
For example, let’s say your child consistently measures at the 10th percentile on her growth charts. Sometimes, this is interpreted as being underweight or below the growth curve, but this is not the case. This is just a reference point as to where your child’s weight and height compare to other kids her age.
What we want to see is if your child is growing consistently along her 10th percentile growth curve. If she dips down percentiles on her growth chart over time, this would be something concerning we’d want to look at more closely.
However, many kids grow consistently on their individual growth curve, regardless of the percentile, when we support them with respectful feeding practices, including honoring their appetites and food intakes.
When growth percentiles are misinterpreted, this may pressure a parent to override a child’s intake in effort to get them to eat more or less. For example, a child measuring high on the growth charts may be more likely to encounter restrictive feeding practices, while a child measuring on the lower end may be likely to face pressure-to-eat feeding tactics. These approaches to feeding kids can actually jeopardize their overall health, growth, and relationship with food.
Again, if you’re unsure about your child’s overall growth trajectories, please connect with a professional who can help you better understand and navigate this.
Overall, we want to look at how a child is functioning to understand if her intake is sufficient to support her overall growth and development.
Here are some factors to consider:
Your child’s overall growth: is it progressive and following her individual trajectory?
Is she able to focus on other areas of life outside of eating and food?
Energy levels: Does she have energy to play and engage with others?
Does your child seem anxious around food and eating, or obsessive about food?
There are many factors to consider when looking at the big picture of your child’s overall health. Just keep in mind that we can’t judge children’s overall health by what they’ve eaten from their plate or their ever changing appetites.
Ultimately, children tend to grow best when parents are able to focus on their jobs with feeding and kids are trusted to do their parts with eating.
If you need any help or support navigating this, please feel free to reach out and connect with me today. I understand how our own fears as parents can influence the way we feed our kids and interact with them around food, and I’d love to help you work through this so you can feel confident in raising your child to have a peaceful relationship with food.